Inside
Area Man Cut From American Idol
Collins Wants Her 45K
Acid Reflux Causes Evacuation

Area Man Cut From American Idol

FAIRFIElD - Kenny Mathis made it to the final 72 contestants Tuesday ending his dream of becoming an American Idol. Mathis, 27, says that his choice of songs may have contributed to his elimination and not the fondling of Paula Abdul’s breasts.

"I sang 'Smack My Bitch Up' by Prodigy", said Mathis. "All that shit about me grabbing Paula’s breast is simply not true - if you didn’t see it.  If you did see it - then you know that I grabbed her breast."

Mathis hopes to embark on a lip syncing career like Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, *NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Milli Vanilli, 98 Degrees and Ashlee Simpson.

"I can pretend to sing with the best of them", said Mathis.

Collins Wants Her 45K

CINCINNATI - The woman that sued Mike Allen for cheating on her with his wife says that she still hasn’t been paid.  

Rebecca Collins settled out of court with Allen for $38.25 a day in early February.  Collins, who will never work in this town again, is desperate for the money so that she can finance a move to another city and leave behind the mess she helped create.

Collins attorney, Randy Freking says that Allen is a dead-beat settlement payer and that people should know this before suing him.

"If you are thinking of suing Mike Allen, beware", said Freking. "He will skip out and leave you with nothing. My client couldn’t get a job petting a giraffe. Allen needs to pay her what he agreed, so that we can get her out of here before she ruins some other rich, balding, middle-aged man’s life."

Acid Reflux Causes Evacuation

ST. CLAIR TWP - An area man suffering from a severe case of acid reflux lost control Friday night when his acidity level produced spillage in the 4300 block of Trenton Road, the sheriff’s office said.

One man was hospitalized and 10 homes were evacuated causing panic in the quiet suburb North of Cincinnati.

Resident Patrick Sweeney was eating a pizza when he was overcome with acid reflux that was diagnosed when he was 16 years-old. Sweeney said that at first it seemed like a mild case, but learned quickly that it was something more.

"Fucking Larosa’s, they put those dumb jalapenos on, after I told them not to", said Sweeney. "Before I knew it, there was a volcanic eruption spewing from my throat."

Sweeney was treated and released from Mercy Hospital.