Steinberg’s Lecture On Lawn Care Sells Out, Tour Possible

CINCINNATI - Ted Steinberg never dreamed that his book "American Green: The Quest for the Perfect Lawn" would attract so many fans to his lecture at the Cincinnati Nature Center last Sunday. Nearly 12 people showed up prompting Nature Center officials scrambling for more chairs.

"We were here for the exhibit on butterflies", said Peggy Stanwick who was with her 10-year old daughter Cindy. "Who the hell is Ted Steinberg?"

Steinberg’s agent, Mike Howard says that his client just signed a 4-figure book deal with a publisher and is considering going on tour.

A quick search on Google revealed the Ted Steinberg is in fact, a nerd.

Some Are Talking the Hall of Fame for Painter

CINCINNATI - 1^st District Court of Appeals Judge Mark Painter reached a major milestone last week with the publishing of his three hundredth written decision in school textbooks. Painter, a University of Cincinnati graduate is on pace to break William Taft’s record of 755 written decisions.

The 1^st District Court of Appeals Hall of Fame spokesman, Marty Cartwright says that there is still a ways to go in Painter’s career. Some are comparing Painter to Judging greats, Thurgood Marshall and William Rehnquist

"Should he retire today, he would get voted in on the 2^nd or 3^rd ballot", said Cartwright. "But you never know, he could test positive for steroids, blow a .257 or fondle someone. We have had problems with that recently."

Low Cost Dental Care At Raymond Walters College Scares the Hell Out of Everybody

CINCINNATI - If you are in desperate need of a dentist and don’t have enough money to cover the tab, you may want to consider Raymond Walters College. Low-cost dental services are being performed by 2^nd year students.

"For around 15 bucks you can get the works", said Political Science major and sophomore Bud Nelson. "I very good with jaw manipulation. Ask my girlfriend."

Some people in the waiting room had to be beaten from their chairs when their names were called. To help deal with nervous clients the college pumped nitrous oxide through the ventilation system. The college requests that you don’t wear underwear when you show up for your scheduled appointment.

The services only run when classes are in session. For more information call (513) 745-5630.