CINCINNATI - In light of new discoveries in the Bruce Ivins anthrax case, the Department of Homeland Security has moved to takeover a University of Cincinnati sorority: Kappa Kappa Gamma. 

 

Bruce Ivins, according to the department, was obsessed with the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority, dating back to his college days at the University of Cincinnati where he apparently was rebuffed by a woman in the sorority.

 

"We can't have anyone spurning terrorists," Richard LeMastre, deputy chief for Homeland Security said.  

 

LeMastre explained that his department would have to take control of the sorority until such time as his team could thoroughly investigate. 

 

"If there's sorority terrorism obsession repression," LeMastre said, "we'll get to the bottom of it."

 

 

Girls were lined up early on the lawn this morning for departmental training on how to accept the advances of social misfits, potential terrorists, and English majors. By afternoon, several were turned loose in the biomedical engineering building.

 

"One of them tried to show me this cat scan thingy," said Denise Lenore. "It was kind of creepy."

 

But Lenore explained that it wasn't as bad as she originally thought as some of them might make a lot of money if they weren't busy mailing anthrax to media celebrities.  

 

"And we've had to do worse things for the Phi Delts," Lenore added.