The Cincinnati Dealer - P&G Starts Hostile Takeover of Children’s Hospital

P&G Starts Hostile Takeover of Children’s Hospital

By Fred Pastry | Dealer staff writer

Wed, Feb 16, 2005

Right on the heels of the Gillette buy out, P&G shocks the city again. Today Douglas Kerns, P&G Director of Research announced they were buying out Children’s Hospital. Kerns said, “PETA has been after us for a while over concerns of animal testing. With this merger we hope to put to rest all of their fears.

PETA spokesperson Peter Wood expressed gratitude. “We have been saying for years that animal testing was completely unnecessary. I am glad that Procter & Gamble has shown that they are a truly compassionate & progressive company."

Cosmetic testing is a breeze. Wall Street jumped at the news. P&G stock is up 2¼. Financial analyst expect a 15% savings on research & development costs by using crack babies in lieu of expensive custom bred bunnies and chimps.

Quick Poll

After Ike's damage to Cincinnati, how are you taking precautions against future hurricanes?

	Purchasing a windbreaker
	Cutting down every tree within 150 feet of my house
	Practicing dialing Duke Energy's phone number in the dark
	Looking for Duke Energy technicians who are willing to accept bribes
	Reading "Fixing Broken Power Lines For Dummies"
	Making sure my Bengals season tickets next year will be far away from the "wind tunnel" section
	Moving to the Gulf Coast, where people are actually warned in advance about hurricanes

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