CINCINNATI - As Earth Day approaches, the locally-sourced diet known as "Locavorism" is gaining lots of attention throughout Cincinnati, most prominently in the Cincinnati Locavore blog. The concept is based on the fact that less fuel is spent transporting our food if the food is grown locally. 

These turkeys didn't do any of their shopping at local farmers' markets, and are paying the price

In other words, that orange that you ate for breakfast probably flew first class from Miami to Cincinnati.  It was no doubt an exclusive chartered flight just for the orange, so you can imagine all the fuel that was spent on just one orange.  Why that orange only cost you 25 cents is a mystery, but the point is that a Cincinnatian should always travel to Florida first before eating an orange.

Locavores also encourage simple cooking, with meals that contains less than 10 ingredients. This is more out of necessity than simplicity, since there are only about 10 local foods available at any one time.

On the other side of the spectrum are the distantvores.  Distantvores eat an exlusively far-away diet, possibly because they haven't discovered the joy of eating more expensive local food.  Locavore Sarah Samuels has a plan to exterminate these irresponsible distantvores.

"Distantvores just won't stop eating food grown halfway across the country," said Samuels, "And they are eating a ton of this food, too.  The way I see it, we should just kill them off, preferably by eating them." 

"The sooner we eat these distantvores, the sooner we can stop them from destroying the environment."

Anyone in Cincinnati reading this who eats an exclusively distantvore diet (especially any of our farm animal readers) is advised to exercise caution.   The chicken feed, soybeans, or pig slop that you eat might taste good, but it came from far away and that makes you a target for locavores.