Dear Jesus,

My girlfriend Cassandra keeps asking me whether I think she's "fat". First off, I think she's beautiful. Honestly, she's not fat, but she could stand to lose a few pounds. Since I know better than to actually say that, I simply clam up.  This always results in her getting really mad at me.

Also, she keeps talking about you - "Jesus this.." and "Jesus that..."

How can I get her to lose some weight and forget about other guys like you, all while staying madly in love with me?

- Giovanni

Dear Giovanni

I am the bread of life - those who eat of me shall never be fat.  Spurting from my staff, your girlfriend will find all the precious minerals, vitamins and protein that her body needs and wants.

For I am the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost of Lovin' -  So tell Cassandra to bring her chubby ass over to Jesus's place.. I have an "exercise plan" for her.

After an intense workout session with Jesus, I can guarantee Cassandra will lose weight.  She will also completely forget the name "Giovanni", and only love me, Jesus.

Not to worry, though -  For I am in everyone, and everyone is within me..   Just remember, while I am thrusting inside your girlfriend,  part of you is always in me.   So you see, Cassandra will still love you... sort of.  I hope that is some small consolation.

Unfortunately, I cannot completely help you.  Although Cassandra will both lose weight and "love you", she can NEVER forget about Jesus.

May a piece of your girlfriend be with Jesus and always with Jesus.   Amen! 

- Jesus