(Ed. Note:  There's an old saying amongst leftist, "independent" Cincinnati newspapers:  "It takes a boring man to live in the 'burbs, and it takes a rich, bourgeoise asshole to live in Hyde Park or Mt. Adams, but it takes a smart, courageous man to live in Over The Rhine."  In that vein, The Cincinnati Dealer proudly presents an interview with one brave professional who recently made the big move to OTR.  Although you will find this piece sandwiched between articles about the out-of-control violence in downtown Cincinnati (at fault:  Cincinnati Police) and the lack of key city-living amenties (at fault: Cincinnati Police), ironically, the entire gist of the interview will be how safe and convenient OTR-living really is.  But don't feel too guilty or uncool about where you live.  Rest assured that this interview is simply one man's rationalization of his own lack of safety.  Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, the article):

Cincinnati Dealer: Thanks for conducting this phone interview with us, Will.

Will Hasselo: No problem.  I've got a voice-over-internet phone here at my apartment.  That's right, voice-over-internet, I get broadband here in OTR.  And cable, and running water, and every utility I could ever want or need.

CD: That's great.

WH: What happened to you coming over here to do the interview?

CD: Uhh...our insurance policy doesn't cover any work we do in OTR.  So you used to live in Oakley, right?  What made you decide to move to cool, hip, convenient OTR?

WH: Honestly, I should have moved a long time ago.  I walk to work now instead of having a long, dangerous commute,  and I don't have to worry about parking.

CD: How long was your commute before?

WH: 13 minutes.

CD: And you don't have a car now?

WH: Nope!  Don't need one.  I walk to work, to the grocery store, to the bars...

CD: And you can get anything you need at your local grocery?

WH: Sure!  Bread, milk, coffee, beer...what else do you need?

CD: Soooo...you don't go to a supermarket in order to buy packages larger than 6 oz. so you don't have a grocery bill increase that exceeds the savings in car and gas bills?

WH: Sorry, I don't follow.  You see, I'm a member of the "Creative Class," meaning I make emotional decisions, I don't reason anything through, and I certainly don't have a budget of any sort!

CD: Let me try a different angle...how do you visit your suburban relatives?

WH: I take the bus.  Only takes 83 minutes and 15 exchanges to get to Colerain.  But, they usually just drop stuff from Cosco off at my house.

CD: Sounds like a very self-sufficient lifestyle you got there.  Tell us about the safety in OTR.

WH: Well, I've lived here for a month and haven't been shot at or mugged once!  So I don't know what everyone's talking about when they say OTR Is unsafe.  Get in a car twice a day to go to work!  That'll reduce your life expectancy.

CD: So you really think eliminating the risk of an automobile death offsets the risk factors of living in OTR?

WH: Well, according to the National Safety Council, your lifetime odds of dying in a motor-vehicle accident is 1 in 84, while your lifetime odds of being killed by a firearm assault is 1 in 314.

CD:  Hold on...I just went to NSC.com, and they make it quite clear those are national averages...there's even a disclaimer that says each stat is different depending upon where you work or live.

WH:  I'm sure Cincinnati is close to the national average.

CD:  But you don't just live in Cincinnati, you live in OTR.  There were 9 homicides in OTR in 2006. With just 7,638 OTR residents, assuming you would normally live another 40 years AND that the murder rate doesn't get any worse in OTR (it has every year for last 15 years), your lifetime odds of dying of a firearm homicide is actually 1 in 22.

WH: 1 in 22? 

CD:  Yep.  But cheer up...think of all the intangible benefits.  You can walk to Final Friday, score any drug you need, AND continue to condescend to suburbanite co-workers!

WH:  You're right.  It's all worth it.