By Harold,
Editor in Chief

It's that time again, Cincinnati.  It's the day that up to half of all eligible voters have been waiting so long for, in order to change the course of this country.  Exciting!

A multitude of candidates and issues exist on your ballot.  It can be quite intimidating.  Fortunately, the Dealer presents our endorsements for this election to clear up any confusion that you may have.  Our crack, uh, staff have meticulously combed the candidates and issues and present our findings here so you don't have to.

As with anything, the more you do something, the better you get, so get out there and vote as often as you can!

Governor of Ohio

Ken Blackwell (R)
Ted Strickland (D)

Dealer endorses:  Ken Blackwell. 

If Ken Blackwell is good enough for Roy Rogers, then Ken Blackwell is good enough for us.

United States Senate (OH)

Mike DeWine (R)
Sherrod Brown (D)

Dealer endorses:  Mike DeWine. 

DeWine's Buttermilk Brownie policy, clearly outlined on his website, should bring any fence-sitters to his side.  His stance on Rhubarb Crisp, though controversial, also is well-reasoned.  Sherrod Brown declined requests for comment from the Dealer, and doesn't even delineate his opinions on Rhubarb Crisp.  Instead he, wastes space on things like the economy which have no impact on Ohio.

US Representative - District 1 (OH)

Steve Chabot (R)
John Cranley (D) 

Dealer endorses:  Steve Chabot. 

By re-arranging the letters in John Cranley's name, you get LARCENY JOHN.  We cannot put such a man in office.

US Representative - District 2 (OH)

Jean Schmidt (R)
Victoria Wulsin (D)

Dealer endorses: Jean Schmidt 

The Enquirer's habit of printing a whole page of reasons not to endorse someone before finally endorsing that person is very compelling.  For this reason, as well as reasons we've previously given, we endorse Jean Schmidt for re-election.

Hamilton County Commissioner

Phil Heimlich (R)
David Pepper (D)

Dealer endorses: David Pepper

Phil Heimlich scares us.  Seriously.  The cultist, elitist, ineffectual, abrasive, back-room dealing, Banks-delaying, bring-your-parents-on-a-first-date-at-40, favors-for-friends incumbent scares us.  And his name sounds too much like "hind lick."  On the other side of the ticket, we must say that David looks awfully buff in that golf shirt.

State Representative - District 32

Kimberly Hale (R)
Dale Mallory (D)

Dealer endorses: Kimberly Hale

Really the best campaign slogan in years: Hale yes!

State Senator - District 9

Thomas G. Brown (R)
Eric Kearney (D)

Dealer endorses: Thomas G. Brown

We don't know much, or anything, about Thomas G. Brown.  However, we do think that   Eric H. Kearney is a dickhead.

Issue 2 - Ohio Constitutional Amendment to Increase Minimum Wage

Dealer endorses: NO

If Issue 2 passes, the price of a $5.25 Chipotle burrito just may go up.  Sure, the increase might improve a family's income to just above the poverty line, but citizens of Ohio should NOT have to pay more than $5.25 for a burrito.  If our $5.25 Chipotle burritos go up in price, we may just have to move to Canada.  The Dealer urges NO on Issue 2.

Issue 3 - Ohio Constitutional Amendment to Approve Slot Machine Gambling

Dealer endorses:  YES

The Dealer assumes a mistake has been made on this issue.  The high-quality, high-gloss, full-color ads in local publications of smiling, gleeful children at play tells us that this issue is only about education.  No where is made mention of slot machine gambling.  Numerous petitioners and canvassers confirm our suspicions.  The Dealer urges YES on this erroneously-named issue.

Issue 4 - Ohio Constitutional Amendment to Ban Smoking Except in Restaurants, Bars, etc

Issue 5 - Ohio Law to Prohibit Smoking in Public Places

Dealer endorses:  YES on 4, NO on 5

When it comes to smoking, we listen to the smoking experts.  In this case, that's the R.J. Reynolds company, sponsor of Issue 4.  The Dealer urges YES on Issue 4, and NO on Issue 5.

Issue 12 - Hamilton County Sales Tax Increase to Fund New Jail

Dealer endorses: YES

If our highways are too crowded, just add more lanes.   If people gain weight, buy bigger pants.  If public schools are failing, give them more money.  Likewise, if jails are overcrowded, build more jails.  That will make us safer.  The Dealer urges YES on Issue 12.

Issue 13 - Hamilton County Children's Services Renewal Levy

Dealer endorses:  YES 

The next time we call 241-KIDS, maybe we won't get put on hold.  The Dealer uges YES on Issue 13.

Issue 14 - Hamilton County Health and Hospitalization Services Renewal Levy

Dealer endorses:  YES

Health care for poor, uninsured children, and indigents?  Addiction services?  We prefer not to think about such things.  The Dealer simply urges YES on Issue 14.