CINCINNATI - Jean Schmidt may be sixth on the list of America's dumbest congressmen, but she's running against Victoria Wulsin, a candidate who has never held office in the worst Congress ever.

In order to truly understand and work with this spineless bunch of retards, we need someone like Schmidt. Someone not afraid to get dirty. Someone who will bring home the radioactive pork by kissing whatever ass it takes to get things done. 

With that said, here's the top 10 reasons we heart Jean Schmidt:

10. Gymnast sweater

9. Record-breaking marathon time

8. Makes Murtha cry

7. Hot twin sister fantasy (Jean on Jean)

6. Fights for freedom wherever there's trouble

5. Bring that nuclear waste dump here, not to some other state 

4. Bush says jump, Schmidt puts on sweater and asks how high

3. Plagiarisimo

2. Takes no crap from parade organizers

1. Schmidt happens

Though we hate to be like that other paper that tells you how to vote, you will shut your piehole and vote for Jean Schmidt like the scaredy little pantywaists you are.