Instead, we proudly present Jorge Barnes' excitingly new and innovative column, "Your Self-Hating WASP Tour Guide."
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So, David Pepper is runnin' for Mayor. I'm surprised he's not changin' his name to "David Salt" in order to get the black outta his name and get more votes from the cracker community.

That's right, pile your Aunt Jemima pancakes high and smother 'em with Mrs. Butterworth syrup while the city slowly burns, Whitey. But you won't be gettin' my vote.

Did you know that Pepper hasn't been to a synagogue or a mosque once since he's been on council? How are those German lessons comin', Mein Fuhrer?

Doorbell Rings

Who is it?

"Why it's me, Milk Man Dave, bringing dozens and dozens of bottles of whole white milk to drown you. Drown in the creamy goodness! Conform, damnit! Drown! Conform!"

"What's that? You want chocolate milk? Sorry, can't get it in these here parts! You're under arrest."

We gotsta escape, people.

Did you know that not one Korean, not a single Ethiopan has been invited over to Pepper's house for dinner? So much for bringing us together, Mr. Mayonaisse.

Someone called me the other day and asked me who I think should be mayor. I don't know, but it sure has hell won't be no ghost-face Luken or Pepper.

Give me someone who has consistently delivered good to the communitiy. Someone who breathes through his soul, not his lily-white lungs. Give me a Nate Livingston.

When I punch my chads in Novemba, I promise you this. I swear to God. I will jump up on top of the tiny table in that votin' booth and scream at the top of my lungs:

"I voted from my heart! I voted from my soul! And shame on all y'all who didn't!"

Or, I don't know, I might be in Paris and have to do an absentee ballot.

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Jorge Barnes lives with his parents in a six-story mansion located in Walnut Hills. He has undergraduate degrees in Portugese, Women's Studies, and Drawing, and a Master's degree in Eastern Religions. He has never held a job.