CINCINNATI - Sleazy former Hamilton County Prosecutor Mike Allen has settled out of court with home-wrecker and career killer, Rebecca Collins. The settlement finally puts to rest the pissing contest between the two parties, who sued each other over whom was the bigger whore. Collins won, settling for $45,000 of the original $3 million.

The settlement, which comes out to $38.25 a day during the 3 1/2 year relationship, is considered a victory by Allen attorney, Mike Hawkins.

"You would pay more than that to some skank on the street", said Hawkins.  "At least with Collins you knew where she had been."

Attorneys for both sides agreed on a mathematical equation created by Hughes high school math teacher Gordon Pauley to come up with the settlement figure.

"I combined their age and divided that by the length of the relationship. Then I posted her picture on www.HotorNot.com and multiplied that by the number she peaked at on the HotorNot scale. That was a 2", said Pauley. "I think she might have voted for herself a few times."

Collins’ attorney, Randy Freking says that his client is a martyr and should be praised for her bravery in coming forward.

"It took a lot of guts for her to come forward after a 3 ½ year relationship with a middle-aged married, balding, white man in the throes of a mid-life crisis to sue him and the Hamilton County Board of Commissioners. She is an inspiration to gold-digging bitches everywhere", said Freking. "Frankly, I am surprised she got that much."

Former Allen intern, Josh Lancaster, says he had known for years that Allen was a douche bag.

"He was a rising star in the republican party. He had a beautiful family and lots of money", said Lancaster. "He pointed his dick in the wrong direction and lost everything. That’s the very definition of douche bag."

Over-the-Rhine employee, Katrina Scott, wasn’t surprised by the settlement.

"There is one like her on every corner. Some just pay more than others", said Scott. "Oh and by the way, your last check bounced, Mr. Chowder."