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My name is Blaine Chowder and I am addict.
I am addicted to oil. The President told me so.
I first realized I had a problem during the Presidents State of the Union Speech last week. Since then I have been reeling over my struggles with this horrible addiction. I have been frantically seeking a methadone-like treatment that would wean me off this sludge that I have been unconsciously thirsting for since the day the DMV took my picture for my drivers license.
To get to the bottom of my problem I researched 12-step-programs in the hope of finding one that best suited my needs. I found 12-steps for marijuana, nicotine, rape, incest, borderliners, compulsive disorders, spenders and scores of others. But nothing for oil addiction.
12-step-programs originated in Akron, Ohio in the mid 1930's by AA (Alcoholic Anonymous)founders Dr. Bob Smith and Bill Wilson who were also co-founders of the Oxford Group. I figured the next course of action should be to call them.
I asked the receptionist at the Oxford Group for a Dr. Smith or Bill Wilson. She checked her roster and found no Bill Wilson, but did find a Dave Wilson. Close enough. She patched me right through.
"Hello, my name is Blaine."
"Hello Blaine, how can I help you?"
"It has only recently come to my attention that I am addicted to oil. I was wondering if your group could create a 12 step-program to help me get off the oil."
"What? I–I’m not sure I understand."
"Your organization created the 12 step-program back in the 1930's for people addicted to alcohol. And since then there have been other programs created for scores of other addictions, I was wondering if you could create one for..."
"I am sorry, I am not sure you have the right number, we are a financial services company. I think you might need to contact a hospital."
"Is there a Dr. Smith around?"
Dave at the Oxford Group was not especially helpful in my needs. But he was right, I needed to contact a hospital.
I called University Hospital here in Cincinnati. Information patched me through to the Department of Psychiatry’s Addiction Research Center.
"My name is Blaine and I am addict. I was curious if you could help me."
"We might be able to help you sir, we should set up a time so that we could talk. We are kind of busy in here today."
"To be honest, I have already called someone and they were unable to help. I am looking for a 12-step-program that will wean me off oil. Do you have such a thing?"
"Oil?"
"Yes, sir. Oil."
"How are you using this oil? Are you ingesting it?"
"No, I put it in my car."
"I am not sure that I understand. Um. Can you hold on."
After several minutes, a raspy voiced doctor picks up the line. Due to the sensitivity of this issue, I chose not to use her real name, so I will call her Doctor Pissy.
"I am sorry, is this some kind of joke?"
"No ma’am. I am addicted to oil and I desperately need to get off of it."
"We deal with people who are in desperate need of help, and you are wasting my time with this nonsense. Who are you?"
"Blaine Chowder. I was watching the State of the Union speech last week and the President said that I was addicted to oil. I don’t find it funny at all. I need help."
"Yes you do..."
"Which is why I am calling you..."
"I cannot fathom why you would pull such a stunt. Dependency is no joke, no laughing matter, for you to call here and make a mockery of the work we do is an unconscionable act. Who is this?"
"Blaine Chowder."
"Blaine Chowder? We cannot help you here."
Dr. Pissy hung up much to my dismay.
It was only after the good doctor hung up that I realized that there is not much I can do about my economic dependency on oil. I am locked into my current situation. And until W and the rest of his cronies get off their ass and make the world less dependent on oil, I will have to continue to abuse it.
I am Blaine Chowder, and I am addicted to oil. |
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