Kaldi’s sold their liquor license last Sunday.  So I decided to stop by and see how the transition was going.  I have to admit, the crowd did make me feel a little uncomfortable.

“Oh Fuck!” said Sonya McDonnell, owner of Kaldi’s.  “I looked at the numbers for alcohol sales and thought $30,000 and a bag of magic beans was a great deal.  What an idiot!  I didn’t think about all the food & coffee the drunks consumed.  Not to mention friends of alcoholics.“

The menu hasn’t changed that much.  I ordered a Limp Irish Coffee.  A bargain at the same price as their usual cup of joe.  It was a little weak but still palatable. 

In the far corner of the former bar, a lone coffee shop philosopher sat crying.  I tried to strike up a conversation but he just kept staring vacantly at a half empty glass.

“I mean it’s not all bad,” said McDonnell.  “From my perspective we are ahead of the curve.  I felt we had to get prepared for dealing with diminished crowds once Alicia Reece implements the smoking ban.”  At that, the wrists of the lone man in the corner begin to bleed.  “OK, who gave a customer a knife,” yelled McDonnell.  “Nothing but sporks from now on!  I swear.  This is the fifth time this week.”  There were no employees around to hear her.  I called for an ambulance. 

“But hey, we still have music,” giggled McDonnell.  She ran into the back room and pulled out Josh Mabers.  Famed downtown street clarinetist.  “I don’t want to be here,” Mabers whimpered.  McDonnell skillfully prodded him into the musician’s corner.  He acquiesced and began playing the only song he knows.  “Killing Me Softly With His Song” by Roberta Flack.  Mabers only knows the first few verses of this song.  But that does not stop him from playing it again and again.  That is what makes it so cutting edge.  It’s great to see that Kaldi’s still attracts top-notch talent. 

The ambulance got here quickly.  But it took too much time to coax the medics into the coffee shop.  They seemed a little spooked by the brightly lit café.  By the time they finally approached the lone man, he had expired.  “It’s alright,” said the brave EMT.  “He’s in a better place now.”

McDonnell also plans cutting down to serving decaffeinated coffee only.  She hopes that after losing alcohol and smoking she can find a niche market with the underground Mormon crowd.

A young man entered from the street, obviously unaware that Kaldi’s had gone dry.  He seemed disturbed by the news.  He looked up and down the dark desolate street.  Run down buildings, closed store fronts, abandoned cars, pan handlers, crack addicts, yes, reality had set in.  “I used to think this was a fun part of town,” sighed Burkley.  “I guess Main St. just isn’t a good place to be if you are sober.”