By Anonymous (great lover and respecter of God, Allah, The Bible, The Koran, Mormons, Masons, The Dead Sea Scrolls, Simon Cowell, Family Values, The Age of Aquarius, Little Fairies, The Guru in Clifton, Jerry Parker, Sparko, loads of Saints, and Tinkerbell.)

Ms. Patricia Cake, formerly of the Cincinnati Dealer, has been slapped with a fatwa after a crude drawing she created made its way into the hands of local Shriner Chapter 310.

"The Shriners will not allow this blasphemy to go unpunished," stated Mitch Mulligan, Grand Poobah of the 50-man lodge. "Anyone who laughingly depicts our members driving around in their little cars with their great big hats will not live to see another parade.  Long live PBR!"

Ms. Cake reportedly approached the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Department when she learned that her life was in danger. Simon Leis had little sympathy for the satirist. "If this is her idea of ‘journalism,’ mocking some of our most honored institutions, well, then, I guess she’ll just have to deal with the consequences on her own."

Unable to enlist the Sheriff’s office to provide protection, Ms. Cake has gone underground. No one at the Dealer (we don’t like her anyway) has seen or heard from her in the past 4 days.

"I like to piss people off," noted Dealer writer Blaine Chowder, Jr. "But she has gone too far. And when you piss off people who wear funny hats, well, you don't deserve any mercy. Personally, I am thrilled that the principles of the Spanish Inquisition are gaining so much ground around the world. I applaud the Shriner's outrage.  Go get her, guys!"

An eerily similar situation befell Salman Rushdie, author of the book Satanic Verses, in 1989. The famous writer had to go into hiding after Ayatollah Khomeini issued an edict commanding Muslims to kill the man who had supposedly defamed Allah's name.  (Allah's been rather grumpy the past few years).

"I think it’s too bad what’s happened to this Patty Cake," commented Mr. Rushdie by telephone from his home in England. "The whole idea of the ‘marketplace of ideas,’ just escapes some people, especially those incapable of holding more than one thought in their head at one time. I’ve never had to deal with the Shriners myself, but I understand they share many of the same characteristics of extreme Islamists, including a similar motto. Woe to any man or woman who mocks such people in print. And I know what I’m talking about, dude!"

Though Mr. Rushdie was able to survive the Fatwa unharmed, one of his translators was killed and another suffered grievous injuries. This may be the reason that Harold, the editor of the Dealer, has publicly stated that "Ms. Cake is a moron who doesn’t deserve to live."

The editor also condemned the religiously insulting cartoons published in Danish, German, French, and Spanish papers as "blasphemous. Like, our publication respects religion and bows down before superstition and stupidity in all its forms. For example, we've never mocked Creationists, and were appalled by the theft of Baby Jesus from his West Side home this past December." 

Claiming to be a champion of diversity, Harold noted that every aspect of every culture, religion, political party and cult-like group needs to be respected equally and without use of one's critical faculties.  "And besides," he added, "look what the leprechauns did to the Dubliner after some dumbass wrote nasty grafitti in the restroom about them."

Defense Attorney Mike Allen has denied being contacted by Ms. Cake for legal assistance. "There is no legal response to a fatwa," sighed Mr. Allen. "And I don’t go near crazy ambitious broads anymore. Not me."