CINCINNATI - President Bush announced plans to visit Cincinnati next month on his "If you can't contribute, then you've got nuthin' to say" tour. The Cincinnati Dealer, whose unspoken motto is ironically similar, received an advance copy of the invitation:

You Are Cordially Invited to Welcome

ACTING PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH

In Honor Of

U.S. Senator Mike DeWine

Abramoff Appetizers - $5,000 Per Person 

Cash Bar

Appetizers Extra

* VIP Photo Opportunity - $15,000

President Will Do Whatever You Want - $2,500,000

Rangers, Pioneers, and Indian Chiefs with Large Casinos Especially Welcome

Business Attire

Cash Only

Dinner Will Be Wiretapped

AGENDA

President to read from Dr. Seuss and layout Middle-Eastern policy

NOT WELCOME

Player Haters

George Clooney

The Poor

Mike DeWine

RECENTLY EXCLUDED

The Middle Class

* Photo opportunity may not include actual President

In the past, Bush has chastised Cincinnati Republicans for not contributing their fair share. When asked how he felt about excluding those without money, Bush had this to say:

"Maybe someday they'll be able to 'pony up' and have a say in our participatory Democracy."