DOWNTOWN – Strong Mayor Mark Mallory decided to flex his muscles by sending the police after the many truants who use the Public Library of Cincinnati and Hamilton County as their personal playground on the road to perdition. Last Thursday’s morning raid netted an estimated 40 offenders, and put tiny smiles on the faces of fed-up Library staffers and grown-up patrons alike.

"I dunno what the hell these cops doin’ here harassin’ me like this!" commented one truant as he was dragged away from one of the many library computer terminals. "I got business on the internet, man! And I’m supposed to be meeting my girl here at 12:30!"

"Yeah!  Like how would you like it if someone told you what to do all day?" added another student caught up in the dragnet.  "Like this is violating my rights or something! You know what I'm saying!"

In response to this grave injustice against inner-city adolescents, City Beat prepared an outraged article with the word "Racism" in the title, until reminded that Mr. Mallory himself is indeed an African-American.

Jesse Jackson, too, was bent out of shape, and planned to tour the library and listen to the tales of horror and fear from the beleaguered teens. "No one has any right to forcibly raise the standards and expectations for any one of our youth," he commented. "And I don’t give a damn what that cracker-loving Cosby says!"

Most of the teens were sent back to their schools. "I know I can’t do much to convince some of these children that life as a burger-flipper or prison inmate really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be" sighed English teacher Rose Williams. "But I do thank Mr. Mallory for filling up my classroom again."