CINCINNATI - When Armein Kirkland suffered a season-ending ACL tear in Tuesday night's game, the number of UC scholarship players was reduced to eight. As a result, first-year coach Anthony Kennedy has been forced to look elsewhere to fill the vacant slots.

Today, the Bearcats announced the signing of Ryan Freel to a 4-year alcoholic scholarship.

"Our team is thrilled to have Ryan," Kennedy said. "He brings not just great alcoholic ability, but leadership off the court as well as on."

Freel proved his alcoholic ability Sunday morning when he was arrested outside a popular Tampa pool hall/sushi bar for disorderly intoxication. The police report cited Freel for "screaming obscenities" and throwing Unagi.

"We haven't had anyone with this much natural alcoholic talent since LeGree," Eric Hicks said. "Well, maybe Huggs. But he couldn't shoot the 'J' when he was crocked."

To further bolster his dwindling squad, Kennedy has also considered prison recruiting, open tryouts on campus, and bringing in a mummified dead woman to warm the bench.