Blaine: Do you ever just want to say fuck it and not deliver a goddamn present to anyone?

Santa: I think about it all the time. I was close back in 1977. I was at Studio 54 snorting coke off Liza Minelli’s left breast on Christmas Eve. Jackie Bisset was on the right. Man, I was toast. I didn’t get out of there until 3 in the morning. I was high as a kite delivering those presents.

Blaine: The paparazzi never seems to get a good picture of you, why is that?

Santa: No, they do get good pictures of me. A few years ago, one snapped a picture of me and Robin Givens on the island of St. Croix. I had to threaten him with taking him off my delivery list if he published the pictures. I have to do that every now and again. The threat of them not getting their presents is a hell of a deterrent.

Blaine: There have been rumors that your toys have been made in sweatshops. 20/20 did an expose about that. Any truth?

Santa: Fuck 20/20. Barbara Walters is a whore. There is no truth to it whatsoever. We make the toys in the same place we always have, the North Pole.

Blaine: Any truth to the rumor that you might be moving the workshop to India?

Santa: We have been looking into a possible move. The cost of insurance is killing me. It’s double for elves. Indian elves work cheaper and they don’t ask for insurance. Nothing has been decided as of yet.

Blaine: What is your favorite place to eat in Cincinnati?

Santa: I gotta say, Shanghai Mama’s. There is a waitress there, wow. I mean legs up to here. I gave her a rack last Christmas. She is a DD now.

Blaine: How is Mrs. Claus?

Santa: A royal pain in my ass. Nagging me to death about staying out late. Says I smell of booze. I sleep on the couch 90% of the time. I have blood in my stool.

Blaine: Ok?

Santa: I got fungus in places you never talk about with your friends. I have scurvy. I like to sit naked on my reindeers.

Blaine: Wow. I think we are getting off track. What do you think of the Bengals this year?

Santa: I got a hundred grand on them to win the first round of the playoffs. I need this bad. I am up to my eyes in debt. Loan me 20 bucks to buy a 40?

Blaine: Um, no. I think that’s it. Thanks Santa and Merry Christmas.

Santa: Happy Holidays.