THE INTERNET - A Tuesday ESPN SportsCenter poll shows a mere 95% of Bengals fans approve of the job head coach Marvin Lewis is doing with the Bengals.

In the past three years, Lewis has turned the most inept franchise in professional sports into a top-ranked team, and is off to a 3-0 start. However, as dissatisfied fans pointed out, he has not yet beaten a team this year by over two hundred points; additionally, Lewis cannot fly, and lacks the ability to turn iron ore into silver using only the power of his mind.

In response to the 5% of fans who criticized his performance this year, Lewis gave a statement so workmanlike and bland that even as it was written down by reporters, the words disappeared from the pages of their notebooks.