10. The Bird Man - Somewhere during the opening of Sleepybird at Japps, someone in a bird costume broke out in some sort of interpretive dance and then promptly went to sleep at the base of the stage until the end of the set. The music was fantastic but the fucking bird stole the show.

The music: B

The Bird: A+

9. The Fight - Rarely do I go out and not witness a fight. Tonight's match-up was mildly entertaining. As usual, some yuppie toughies thought that they had cornered the market on being men. And when they started some shit with some greasers from down south, they looked like they were going to prove their manhood, until they were spotted by the police being the aggressors. Call the paddy wagon! Three of the four got cuffed and stuffed and two of the three cried like babies as they swore to police that they would go straight home if they were let go. And one kept saying he was going to lose his job if he got arrested. The greasers pretended to be the victims and were told to go away by the police. Yuppie toughies go to jail!

Grade: B+

8. The guy that thought he knew me - Some assbag followed me around for 15 minutes swearing on his mother's life that he knew me. "I can't quite place it, but I know I know you." 30 questions later he concluded that he didn't know me. His poor mother. Let me be the first to say, RIP.

Grade: F-

7. The guy that puked on himself in front of the Exchange - This guy was a tard for the ages. I was waiting for a friend to get cash at the ATM and out staggers some nicely dressed older gentleman looking like vomit volcano. It was a disgustingly good. He did his best to avoid collateral damage by projectile vomiting straight down the front of his navy blue Polo shirt and on his black slacks. If only he had seen the trash-can a foot away he wouldn't have received the tongue lashing from the girl who slipped in the vomit puddle at his feet.

Grade: B+

6. The Betty who caught her boyfriend giving another betty his phone number - Explosive! Some dickweed was "writing checks his ego couldn't cash". Although, I had no idea what was going on until she started screaming, it was entertaining and everyone standing at ground zero were immediately filled in by her screaming accusations. This bulky roid abuser apparently did not see his girlfriend behind him as he macked on pretty petite blonde. Holding the drinks in hand, she did not spill a drop as she ranted, "You mother fucker!" over and over and over and over again. Cheaters would have been proud.

Grade: A-

5. The homeless man that thought I was Donald Trump - I never heard a homeless man so ballsy. Fred Pastry, his concubine and I were walking to RBC and a homeless man asked me for 10 bucks to which I nearly soiled myself. What happened to "Can you spare some change?"

Grade: C+

4. The really hot bitchy girl who somehow got the back of her skirt folded underneath her blouse, revealing granny panties - To all the bitches who think they are all that - karma is the queen bitch. After verbally abusing another woman about her ghetto attire at Alchemize, this Paris Hilton wannabe walked into the bathroom and walked out to a roar of laughter. She laughed right along with everyone until someone pointed out the wardrobe malfunction. Thank god Terry "Two Teeth" stopped me or I would have missed it.

Grade: B

3. The drunk guy who purchased 6 slices of pizza - I stood behind this drunkard as he ordered three slices. After he got his change, he promptly dropped them on the ground. As I ate my slice and then watched him unsuccessfully beg for three more slices, arguing that they should be "on the house". He eventually broke down and handed over more money for three more slices. While exclaiming, "three for the price of six", he fumbled the second helping. If the cop hadn't of told him to go away, I am positive that he would have purchased more.

Grade: B

2. Jim Tarbell - At some point there was a ruckus on Main Street that brought in numerous cops and several EMS units. And out of nowhere, like a superhero to save the day, was Jim Tarbell. Watching from the RBC window, I spotted Tarbell zipping around talking to no less than 10 people in a span of a several minutes, no doubt trying to ascertain what was going on. What makes this number two on my list? His helmet. He never took it off. There he stood, nicely dressed, standing confidently as a representative of this city and there was his giant helmet safely secured to his head. When the ruckus subsided he got on his tiny scooter and scooted off into the night. This guy should have run for mayor.

Grade A-

1. Nick Spencer's girlfriend - WOW!

Grade A+