EDGEWOOD – The Edgewood City Council would regret enacting proposed noise-reduction and safety standards for all-terrain vehicles (ATVs), according to Village Drive resident and ATV owner Don Dowd. In a September 20 Enquirer article, Dowd claims:

...A stronger nuisance ordinance could have the unintended consequence of creating more disputes than it solves. "If someone already had a problem with their neighbor, this could help them find a way to nitpick that person," he said.

Indeed, logic and science tell us that providing ATV nuisance guidelines, which clearly spell out what behavior is acceptable and what is considered a "nuisance," cannot solve disputes. Wait, that's exactly wrong.

Confused, this reporter decided to get the other side of the story from Dowd's neighbors via a telephone interview. However, all this reporter could hear on the other end of the phone was what sounded like a washing machine being pushed through a wood chipper, or possibly a helicopter giving birth to a backfiring eighteen-wheeler with stripped gears.

If the ATV restrictions are enabled, to lessen the discomfort felt by people who can no longer race muffler-less ATVs around their neighborhood yards, the Edgewood City Council will publish a pamphlet containing recreational suggestions, including these:

Enjoy a crisp autumn night! Get drunk, have your family lock you out of the house, and yell at them until you start crying.

Everyone loves music, especially when all they can hear is the bass line. Crank your stereo at three o'clock in the morning and lull nearby insomniacs to sleep.

Well-groomed lawns increase everyone's property value. Avoid damaging grass with antiquated rake technology; use a leafblower instead.