This all started two weeks ago, while I was hanging around the luxurious office suite of this fetching older gal.  Her name is Nancy Zamfir, and she's the president of the University of Cincinnati. Although I had the hots for her at first, I later decided she's not my type.  I thought she was way too obsessed with that intricate maze on campus, Budig Labyrinth, right across MLK from the EPA.   For some reason UC calls it a labyrinth, but it's more of a maze.

"Some people actually have the nerve to cut through our Labyrinth, as if it's some sort of thoroughfare," Nancy told me, "The Budig family didn't put all that money into a modern marvel of landscaping, courtesy of UC's College of Landscaping, just so that UC students could toss frisbees through our historic landmark.  I don't mind it when they lose their frisbees in the maze - They deserve it." 

"Anyway, like I was saying, it's so embarassing to the Board of Trustees and the Budig family how vacant the Budig Labyrinth is, always," she said, "I tell the students, 'go ahead - take a study break, just don't get too lost in the maze!'  They give me strange looks, but I hope they are secretly discovering the wonders of UC's magical Labyrinth on their own.  Hey, you're a reporter, aren't you.. why don't you write a story about how great the Labryinth is?"

I agreed to President Zamfir's request, as long as she would ask her uncle, the pan-flute virtuoso Gheorghe Zamfir, to autograph some of my rare Zamfir vinyl.

She agreed, and I am now carrying out my part of the bargain.

Anyway, the school threw millions of dollars into this project to transform a - -

What was there before? I forgot to ask.. a parking lot, maybe?

(I never enrolled at UC, so it makes my task somewhat more challenging) 

Okay anyway, here goes nothing..

The UC Maze is a huge multi-million dollar landscape project, that one anonymous student described as "eye-candy for a skateboarder, but otherwise, a bleak lifeless bore of a maze - Nothing like the one in that Jack Nicholson movie, The Shining.  The school tries to hype it up, but they ought to plant some tall bushes, so it might actually be possible to get lost in there." 

President Zamfir is offended by such characterizations,"Have any of these twerps actually tried to navigate the maze the proper way?"

"Have they ever made it through without walking on the grass?" she said.

 "Have they climbed the floating stairway? Have they even made it to the foot of Gumdrop Mountain?"

"Most students probably wouldn't even know what I'm talking about," she said.  Nancy has become intimately involved with the maze, to put it lightly.  "I've even organized overnight campouts, with chaperones, just in case anyone gets lost."  Zamfir has also produced pocket guides with colorful maps, complete with Candy Land references.

"We decided that we would use Candy Land as a key to appeal to each student's inner child.  I would have preferred it if Landscaping had installed a more impressive Lollipop Forest.  Once it gets warmer, we do hope to jazz up the Molasses Swamp with some actual molasses." 

The school even held something they called FESTIVALIA A-MAZE-ING. The entire Labyrinth was transformed by a Medieval regalia theme President Zamfir had designed, complete with jousters, jugglers, festoons, banners and all the trimmings. Students wore long flowing robes and those silly colorful duncecaps from Medieval times.

Nancy's uncle even made a surprise visit, and marveled Festival-goers with his panpipe performance.  However, despite a well-attended FESTIVALIA A-MAZE-ING, the MAZE itself still failed to draw much interest from students.

"We held a contest," said Zamfir, "to see which team could make it through the maze the quickest, without dropping the magical red bandana. Unfortunately, only one team of contestants volunteered to compete."

"Despite their pitiful maze navigation, they did win first place, so I was forced to honor them with the golden treasure chest, and the ceremonial parsley, rosemary and sage," she said.

There are several tall fluorescent light fixtures throughout the maze, which Nancy insisted I call "beacons" for the article.  These beacons serve a dual purpose: the light fixtures also feature valves that emit NOx, piped underground from the University's nearby natural gas power plant, on Vine Street. According to Zamfir, the NOx has an invigorating effect, which helps students better navigate their way through the maze.

The helpful blue Help phones scattered throughout the labyrinth are also there to assist anyone who has lost their way, and needs clues to find the way out.  

"Sure, we notice the few students who do explore the Labryinth, and we don't want to take anything away from their efforts.  However, we would like maze exploration to become the campus activity of choice," said Zamfir. "It even makes a great spectator sport. You can get a pretty good aerial view of the maze from any of the surrounding buildings, or you could always watch from atop Gumdrop Mountain.  If we could interest other schools in maze competitions, we might even be able to get a league going. It makes a lot of sense to me, but the Board of Trustees isn't quite sold on the idea yet."

"I think this school should put more emphasis on the maze.  Historically speaking, Johnny-come-lately sports like Basketball and Football are nothing compared to the long-celebrated tradition of the Labyrinth," Nancy told me.

Once the weather gets warmer, Zamfir hopes for a big spike in the maze's popularity.

"And once all the construction from UC's College of Construction is finally completed - if that ever happens - I think we can cultivate more interest in the maze," said Zamfir,  "For several years now, the campus has been a convoluted mess of construction sites, so students might be all mazed out by the time they get to the Labyrinth."

Although I'm not obsessed like Nancy, the Labyrinth is still pretty cool.  I think I'll explore it some more this weekend.  I even got myself a free pocket guide to the labyrinth in Zamfir's office. She said anyone can ask her for their own free guidebook.  

She is also sponsoring free tours to the Labyrinth.  If you're interested, just meet at the Labyrinth's Molasses Swamp, during UC Basketball home games. This planned meeting time was insisted upon by Zamfir, as some form of competition, I suppose.

Okay Nancy, you got your article. I now eagerly await my Zamfir autographs.