DOWNTOWN - In a special investigation, shocking allegations leveled at McFadden's Restaurant & Saloon earlier this week were found to be true: McFadden's has crappy drinks.

Alcohol levels in basic mixed drinks were found to be nearly zero, as confirmed by several bar patrons.

"Yeah, this drink sucks," said Lisa Wheeler, sucking down her vodka and coke. "This vodka and coke may as well be a coke and ice. If I had known a small glass of coke and ice would cost $4, I would have just gone to Hyde Park Kroger's to pick up guys."

"At first, I thought it was just me," agreed Cherie Benedict. "But then I asked all my girlfriends, and they all said the same thing, that their drinks were shit. At least, we didn't have to pay for them ourselves."

Mike "4-kegger" Walsh had this to say: "Yeah, the mixed drinks are pretty useless. I have more latent alcohol in my liver than one of their drinks does. I think they do it to get people to buy beer and shots. So that's what I do. Buy beer and shots. Sometimes, I just ask for like three shots of Grey Goose in a tall glass. It's easier that way."