MAINSTRASSE - Cosmo's Grille Pub owner Gerald Blaschke wants to open two new businesses in MainStrasse: a small brewery and an Italian restaurant. Seperately, the city is considering occasional hours of closure for MainStrasse streets to provide "sort of a European-style outdoor dining concept."

The Cincinnati Enquirer reported Tuesday that "neighbors" and "nearby residents" are opposed to and protesting these developments. Actually reading the article, however, reveals a single complain-y person.

"Short Pershing Avenue resident Sandy Arnold ... opposes more bars," the article states. Over one-fifth of the 600-ish-word article is composed of direct quotes from Ms. Arnold.

"My biggest concern with the brewery is it's right beside a park, where children play," Arnold said. "Where do the boundaries of having bars end?"

Ms. Arnold is entitled to her opinion, which is apparently that breweries have unique, magical child-destroying properties. (The park in question is already bordered by alcohol-serving establishments with outdoor tables, which the Enquirer doesn't mention.)

"I don't want to live in party central." ... "I don't think continuing to add bars to our neighborhood is going to help." ... "I think we've gone above and beyond the amount of bars that we already need," said Arnold, who grew up in MainStrasse and is raising children of her own ... Already, there are at least 15 bars within two blocks, she said.

Come on, Enquirer: This article is a letter to the editor at most, and you know it.

As evidence, the article presents the view of one other resident:

In the three years he has lived in MainStrasse, [Scott] Gilbert said he has seen progress in violent crimes, decrepit housing and other conditions. "Things have gotten so much better in three years."

A moment of silence, please, for the Enquirer's attempt to declare that there's a united front of opposition against some MainStrasse development.

It is unknown precisely how much cash is required to have an Enquirer article published that presents your personal opinions as representative of an entire neighborhood and business district. Given how the Enquirer's subscribtion rate is plummeting, we suspect it's about $25, or a grocery bag full of canned goods.