HYDE PARK - Kelly Mooring was stylin’ like a pimp in her new Hyundai on Beechmont Avenue last Friday. The bass was pounding to some unrecognizable song and her hand was gingerly hanging over the steering wheel. Before she could recognize how cool she was, Kelly was making love to the bumper of the car in front of her.

"Shit, that biatch stopped in front of me", said Kelly, arms extended with her hands tilted inward. "Fashizzle my bizzle, I gots to get steppin’ to my motherfu....listen, I am still working on this whole package, that Ebonics thing isn’t coming natural, yet. I was looking in the rearview and the next thing you know, ‘thunk’, I was getting her phone number. And not in a good way."

Last Monday, Mrs. Mooring rear-ended a priest on his way to a defrocking. Tuesday, she smacked the quarter panel of an ice cream truck. On Wednesday, she dinged the front bumper of an unmarked police car and on Thursday, she totaled Carl Lindner’s vintage Rolls Royce, prompting him to lower the sale price of the Reds by 50 million dollars in an effort to get out of the city faster.

Mrs. Mooring went on to say that she felt that the entire series of events prompted her to re-evaluate her life. She has quit her job as a full-time waitress at the Waffle House and has announced that she is becoming a professional daredevil.

Yesterday, she officially changed her name to Knievel.

"I really just want to jump stuff", said Kelly Knievel. "I have done the research. I am every bit as good as Evil Knievel and I have broken less bones. My first jump will be over Kings Island. After that, I am thinking Oprah Winfrey, but I might need something more than a Hyundai."

Calls to the FAA were not returned as of this publication, but an area man said that he would jump Oprah for a 40oz and pack of Camels.

*Note: While walking away, Mrs. Knievel lost control of her steppin’ and smacked face first into a light pole.