PLEASANT RIDGE - “I’ve been so jumpy lately,” admits Pleasant Ridge resident Angela Bartolo, “and it’s not the Starbucks.”

Psychologists on the Eastside have noted a marked increase in generalized anxiety disorder, which includes an inability to concentrate and a sense of impending doom.

“I have a nice new home in Mason,” commented Mark Bayberry, a partner in the wellness firm New Paths to Sanity. “So I know that I don’t have to worry about this kind of thing happening to me.”

He notes that the demographic most affected by the disorder includes young homeowners in older neighborhoods and older homeowners who fear the encroaching shopping malls devouring a community’s sense of history in their march to progress. “All I can do is say to them that change is good,” Mr. Bayberry adds with a shrug. “Get over it. Move on.”

The Supreme Court’s recent ruling that the definition of “public use” includes handing private property over to private developers for improved economic stability within a municipality has brought even more joy and greenbacks to a chosen few, while causing others to freak out.

“Oh my God, I could just come home one day and find a Wal-Mart bulldozer tearing my house down,” shrieks Maralee Majors, longtime resident of Fairfax. “I know they’d give me money to go someplace else, but because I’m not rich, it could just happen to me again!” After breathing into a paper bag, Ms. Majors adds that “I thought communism was pretty much dead!”

“It’s not communism, for goodness sake.” Janice Socks, dressed in a smart blue business suit, shakes her head. “Remember that communism doesn’t respect the individual’s rights. Communism doesn’t care about the pursuit of happiness. This isn’t like that at all.” As spokesperson for Saratoga Holdings, Ms. Socks has learned to be patient in explaining eminent domain and public use to a sometimes frightened public. “Blight is in the eye of the beholder. And there is nothing blightful about a new Target store where 50-year-old homes once stood.”

While attempts to improve Vine Street, in the city's core, with a mix of restaurants, upscale condos and guaranteed living space for the poor have stalled do to the entrenchment of special interests, blue-collar homes and low-rent housing in Oakley and Norwood continue to disappear.

“We’re providing a community service, getting rid of Eastsiders who don’t drive Volvos and drink lattes. They should move to Delhi or Madisonville.”

Ms. Socks takes a sip of her bottled water and continues, “no middle-income people on Vine Street. No low-income people in Oakley. Let’s face it, people like to be with others who are just like them. We’re actually making life easier for denizens of the Queen City. Screw you, Sandra Day O’Connor!”