HAMILTON, OH - City of Hamilton residents, angered over a very tragic act of violence on June 16th, vandalized property not owned by the aggressor.  Peggy Stems,  resident of the City of Hamilton says, “Sure, we understand that the landlord has nothing to do with this,  and that the aggressor is an illegal immigrant who surely hightailed away from here,  never to be seen again.  But we felt that somebody has to pay for his crimes if we can’t catch him.  The landlord seemed like the best choice.” 

Five days later,  after it was clearly pointed out that City of Hamilton residents can’t spell,  efforts were made to correct the error.  “We burned down the house,” said Daryl Meders.  “It was really the only logical thing to do.  We couldn’t let the rest of the county think we don’t know our three R's - reading, riting and 'rithmetic.”

Landlord Todd Narals agrees.  “What if kids saw that sloppy spelling?  It would just further perpetuate poor grammar in our city.  We can’t have kids growing up that way.  It had to be done.”

Sergeant Huntings of the City of Hamilton police force says, “Sure we lost all of the clues and evidence we would use to track him down and convict him.  But illiteracy is a crime that hurts everybody.”

Meanwhile,  tensions are flaring towards Hispanics in the neighborhood.  “If one Hispanic does this,  then all of them must do this too,” says neighborhood advocate Daryl Meders.  “They have infiltrated our nation with their tacos, salsa music and taking of the jobs that no red-blooded American would think of taking.  If I can identify them as a culture based on their skin color and accent,  they should all be taken to task for the act of this one man who is long gone.  That is why I propose we burn down all the Taco Bells.  God help me if I find a Chihuahua!”

Meders encourages everyone to join him in inflicting his misplaced aggressions on the completely innocent cleaning crew in his office complex.  The lynch mob meets at 1 AM.  Bring your torches, baseball bats and chains.

Reactions from Hamilton County residents are predictable.  “I am never going to downtown Cincinnati again,” says Sally Ferd.  “This shows it’s just too dangerous down there.  That’s where all the violence happens.  It never comes to the outer suburbs.”