ERLANGER - Cranks and old folk with nothing better to do with their time living on one tri-state road are fed up… with people who have lives, places to go, people to meet and things to do.  Janice Locks, busy-body and life long resident of Erlanger, KY, says that speeders just don’t care about the 25 mile an hour speed limit sign she harangued the local resident’s council to put up on her street.  “I spent a good six months nagging local politicians to make this street just the way I want it, but everyone else is too busy to care,” says Janice.  “They just fly by my white picket fence without a single care of my needs!”

Drivers zoom by at 30 to 35 miles an hour not taking notice of the green lawns.  Erlanger Police say there is not much they can do since they need to focus on stopping real crime like murder, rape, violence theft and vandalism.

The day we were out on Tulip Tree Lane it was clear nobody gave a crap.  Like this driver we saw going 32 miles an hour.

CRAWFORD:  DID YOU REALIZE YOU WERE GOING 7 MILES OVER THE SPEED LIMIT?
DRIVER:  No.  Stop yelling.
CRAWFORD:  DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
DRIVER:  Oh, you must be that channel 12 Howard Ain guy who ran out of real stories two years ago and has had to resort to playing traffic cop just to fill the time slot.  Can you get rid of that beeping mini-cooper ad on your website?  It’s almost as annoying as your latest set of “stories.”  Neighborhood speed patrol my butt.  Can’t you do some real research.
CRAWFORD:  WRONG.  I’M BRUCE CRAWFORD WITH “THE DEALER SPEED PATROL.”
DRIVER:  Yeah, so.
CRAWFORD:  WE DO THINGS A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY AT THE DEALER.
**BANG**
DRIVER:  AAAhhhhh… MY FOOT!
CRAWFORD:  I DON’T THINK YOU’LL BE PRESSING THE PEDAL TO THE METAL ANY MORE.
DRIVER:  What are you?  Fucking crazy!
CRAWFORD:  NO, BUT I THINK YOU ARE.  DIDN’T YOU SEE THAT “SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING” SIGN BACK THERE?  DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?  IT MEANS LITTLE RETARDS NOT BEING WATCHED BY THEIR PARENTS MIGHT FLY OUT INTO THE STREET AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT.  AND DO YOU SEE THAT SIGN UP AHEAD?  IT SAYS “DEAF CHILDREN AREA!”  THAT MEANS THE LITTLE BASTARDS CAN’T HEAR YOU COMING.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE DEAF? 
 **BANG**
DRIVER: You fucking shot off my ear!
CRAWFORD:  AND LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.  IT’S GUYS LIKE YOU THAT PISS ME OFF SO MUCH I HAVE TO GO HOME AND BEAT MY WIFE.  IS THAT FAIR TO HER?  I THINK NOT.  THIS IS FOR THE BEATING MY WIFE IS GOING TO GET.
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
DRIVER: Ughhh… Gut shot.  I’ve got to make it to the hospital before I lose too much blood.
CRAWFORD:  Off with you.  But keep it under 25 or else I’ll come after you again.

For the rest of the day traffic was sparse to non-existent so no more traffic problems here.  We also noticed far fewer children running out into the road and around the neighborhood.  Remember, drive carefully or somebody might get hurt.  Think of the children!

If you moved into a house on a major thoroughfare and want everybody else to slow down to a crawl for your stupidity and lack of foresight, send The Dealer Vigilante Speed Patrol an e-mail.

The address is Bruce Crawford Cell Block 3892, care of This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .