The Cincinnati Dealer - Judge Orders Downtown Shooter To Take Classes In Anger Management, Target Practice

Subscribe in a reader

Subscribe by email

Judge Orders Downtown Shooter To Take Classes In Anger Management, Target Practice

By Burt Safer | Dealer staff writer

Wed, Jun 22, 2005

DOWNTOWN - Michael Simpson, the Westwood man who fired a semiautomatic pistol five times into a crowd of people downtown last Wednesday, is a "really, really lousy shot", according to police. Somehow all five bullets missed everyone and everything, including any nearby pedestrians, cars, buses, and Arby's fast food restaurants.

"What can you do?" said arresting officer Lee Curtiss, "You can lecture them on the basics of good gunmanship all you want, but most of these youngsters have never been to an actual firing range. I told the kid - 'you have to zero in on your target - it's not like shooting a Super-Soaker'."

"Still, I doubt anybody could've had worse aim than this young fellow," said Curtiss, "If he missed just one person - okay, maybe I can understand a beginner doing that.. But five shots at close range into a crowd of people, and not one hit? Jeez.. were his eyes even open?"

As punishment for Simpson's faulty aim, Judge Frederick Finkelfacker is forcing Michael Simpson to take classes in Target Practice at a local video game arcade. Finkelfacker also ordered the 18-year-old to take Anger Management classes, so his temper won't continue to cloud his marksmanship.

This week, City Council addressed the city-wide problem of lousy aim among Cincinnati youth. One reason cited was the lack of target ranges in the Cincinnati metropolitan area. To solve this problem, Council is revising the Fountain Square revitalization project to include a firing range, located right next to the Starbucks. City Council then discussed more pressing projects, like art classes for aesthetically-challenged graffiti artists.

Quick Poll

After Ike's damage to Cincinnati, how are you taking precautions against future hurricanes?

	Purchasing a windbreaker
	Cutting down every tree within 150 feet of my house
	Practicing dialing Duke Energy's phone number in the dark
	Looking for Duke Energy technicians who are willing to accept bribes
	Reading "Fixing Broken Power Lines For Dummies"
	Making sure my Bengals season tickets next year will be far away from the "wind tunnel" section
	Moving to the Gulf Coast, where people are actually warned in advance about hurricanes

What Grinds Your Gears?
Send your column and an optional photo to This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . We love photos.