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Patricia Cake Knocked Up
Bill Henson's Car Repossessed
Harold Contracts Venereal Disease

Patricia Cake Knocked Up

Patricia Cake has been reported knocked up by one of three men after an all night drinking binge.  Of course that is who we are aware of that evening.  If we were to count back the week before or after the count goes as high as 15 potential fathers.

[Editor's note: Patricia Cake dated Fred Pastry in high school for one week until she determined that Fred Pastry could not get it up.  Word spread and he was nicknamed for the rest of his high school career as Flaccid Pastry.  Fred claims he retains no residual anger over this incident.]

Bill Henson's Car Repossessed

Bill Henson’s car was reposssessed yesterday due to unpaid bills.  He has been collecting food stamps for the past 5 years and is a complete waste of human space.  Neighbors have reported that Bill Henson is an out of place chunk of trailer trash.

[Editor's note: Bill Henson ran over Fred Pastry's dog with his lawnmower last week.  Fred assures me this is nothing personal.]

Harold Contracts Venereal Disease

Harold, Editor in Chief of The Cincinnati Dealer, has reportedly been infected with syphilis and gonorrhea after being arrested for picking up hookers on the 1200 block of Walunt St downtown.  It has yet to be determined if the infection occurred during his time with the whores or while being a prison bitch for his 24 hour lock up.

[Editor's note: Fred Pastry recently learned that they rest of The Cincinnati Dealer staff make 30% than he does.]