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Esteemed Local Poet Loses Portfolio |
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By Burt Safer | Dealer staff writer
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Wed, Jun 15, 2005
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FAIRVIEW - Acclaimed 7-year-old poet Biffy Conover has lost his most prized possession: a blue folder full of the best poems in the whole wide world. As a reward, the Ravine Street poet laureate is offering a million billion dollars for the safe return of his valuable verses.
The portfolio is light blue, both front and back [see illustration]. Biffy says he may have left it behind after last Saturday's vicious game of dodge ball at Fairview School. Either that, or he dropped it while playing TV tag at Fairview Park.
Biffy suspects his poetry portfolio was actually stolen by Aaron Johannsen, a rival poet who also has a huge crush on Bobbi-Jo Brennigan.
"Aaron's not really a poet," said Biffy, "More like a poop-it. You gotta help me find my poems, mister, before Aaron finds them, and uses them to steal Bobbi-Jo. I had first dibs on her."
The Biffy Conover Collection includes sonnets like:
"Why I like Graeter's Ice Cream"
"Hopscotch Is For Sissies"
"Mrs. Vanderburg is SO BORING (even more boring than geography homework)"
"I Love you, Bobbi-Jo Brennigan"
"Aaron Johannsen is a Big Poopie Head"
According to Biffy's imaginary friend Arthur, "Biffy's poetry is brilliant, powerful, devastating. It brought tears to my eyes. 5 stars!"
Based on Arthur's expert recommendation, The Cincinnati Dealer's Editor-In-Chief is considering publishing some of Biffy's work, if it ever turns up.
If you find the portfolio, please call Biffy at 513-555-1234, sometime between snacktime and dinner. |
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