CINCINNATI - While losing to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays 6-1 in the second inning last night, the Cincinnati Reds were treated to a surprise visit from owner Carl Lindner. Entering the dugout, Lindner waved a loaded M9 9mm semiautomatic pistol and shouted drunkenly, "Heads are gonna roll! [Pitching coach Don] Gullet, [manager Dave] Miley, get on your knees and pray!"

Following the precedent of Reds CEO John Allen's visit to the Reds in Colorado, Lindner then left the dugout quietly without changing anything or firing anyone.

"His breath reeked of plastic-jug vodka," said utility infielder Ryan Freel of Lindner. "Popov, I think."

"I figured ol' Carl was going to shake things up, maybe fire some underperformers or [general manager Dan] O'Brien, or shoot himself," said star left-fielder Adam Dunn. "But everything's just status quo, as always. I cannot wait to become a free agent and sign with a better team."

Dunn added with furrowed brow, "Miley will probably blame my special chair for this. I wonder where Carl bought that handgun?"