"I saw the lady in the Ford Windstar get out of her mini-van, when the Mercedes woman jumped her," explained Melvin LaRue, an employee of the new store. "I guess Mrs. Mercedes thought that Mrs. Ford had taken her spot. She just leaped outta that fancy car and started screamin' her head off."

Police say what happened next was shocking even by Hyde Park a.k.a. Oakley standards. Colleen Mt. Washington, the driver of the 1993, 8-cylinder, midnight blue/beige leather interior Mercedes, viciously attacked Trica McNabby with a cell phone.

"It was one of those new models of cellular phone that has a camera, camcorder, dvd player, mace and taser features built right in," said Officer Maddie Gascar of District 2. "By the time I arrived on the scene, the victim was lying on the ground rubbing her eyes, coughing, and twitching like a fly in a bug zapper."

In the heat of battle, however, Ms. Mt. Washington inadvertently activated the movie-making capabilities of her phone. "I suppose her communication device will be used against her in a court of law," commented Officer Gascar. Constitutional scholars are uncertain how or if the Fifth Amendment will apply when a defendant is self-incriminated by such a traitorous electronic gadget.

Officer Gascar did receive minor scratch wounds in her attempts to disengage Ms. Mt. Washington from the unfortunate Ford owner. "Soccer Moms Gone Wild," which should have been sealed evidence, has been leaked to the public and has managed to make its way to the internet.  Burt Safer could not be reached for comment.

Bigg's has promised to reprimand several male employees who repeatedly chanted "catfight" throughout the fracas.