Kirkland Unaccountably Passed Over in NBA Draft

Junior UC guard Armein "Captain" Kirkland, who declared for the NBA draft, was not picked by any team.  Kirkland, stunned, resigned himself to plan B: "I'll just have to settle for being President of the United States," he said.  "I plan to win this year's election."

Confused Man Attends Reds Game

In attendance at last Saturday's Reds-Indians game was the man pictured here, wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers No. 7 Ben Roethlisberger jersey... for some reason.

When heckled by nearby Reds/ Indians/ Bengals/ Browns fans, the man raised his arms and yelled back, "I forgot my broom!"  Which didn't make sense, as the Reds had won the first game of the Reds-Indians series.

Another fan yelled to No. 7, "New England didn't forget theirs!" Which also didn't make sense, as New England lost to Pittsburgh earlier in the season, and thus when the Patriots beat the Steelers in the AFC championship game, they did not "sweep" them.

Confused, everyone soon settled down and quietly watched the Reds lose.

Casey Trims $6m from Reds Payroll

First baseman Sean Casey offered a way to improve the Reds after Sunday's 9-2 loss to the Indians.  "We went into the season with high hopes," Casey said. "We've got to pile hits on somebody, bury somebody."  He then tapped a baseball bat in his palm as he eyed Danny Graves.

Last Monday, Danny Graves was designated for assignment.  He will not return to play for the Reds.  When asked about Graves's whereabouts, Reds GM Dan O'Brien said, "I'm sure he'll wash up in a day or two.  I mean turn up.  We didn't beat him to death and dump him in the river.  This interview is over!"

Buford Not Any Less Clueless

Lame-duck UC basketball coach Bob Huggins continues to receive criticism for the poor image of the basketball program, in which players and staff consistently find themselves in legal trouble. 

"I don't think the kids feel any responsibility," said Anthony Buford, former UC player and current TV color commentator for UC games.   

The article that carried Buford's quote also quoted some current UC players:

"Taking what I've done, you think about how much different it would be," said sophomore walk-on Erick Murray of his April arrest for misdemeanor assault.

"You've got to be careful. We're all under a microscope for the image of the program," said senior point guard Jihad Muhammed.