UNIVERSITY HEIGHTS - The University of Cincinnati hosted Napoleon Dynamite actors Efren Ramirez ("Pedro") and Aaron Ruell ("Kip Dynamite") on Friday, April 22.  Judging by the attendance, you were there.  If you don't remember being there, then wow, that's very disturbing, because you totally were.  Maybe you should quit drinking until you black out.

To cover this event, the Cincinnati Dealer sent a crack team of Gerard Oh and Edmund Osterman (reporters) and David Akadjian (photographer).  We had official Dealer press passes and notebooks and tape recorders and cameras.  None of it mattered to the UC staff, who refused to let us in early, or grant us private access to Efren and Aaron.

What are you trying to hide, UC?  We'll uncover your dark schemes and illuminate them with the light of truth.  There is no way we will fail.*

Our Dealer staff was forced to wait in the general admission line to get in.  Some of the unwashed members of the public attempted to touch our garments for luck, and we drove them back with sharp blows of the hand.

Once we got in, we sat in the back of the auditorium.  A series of clips from Napoleon Dynamite played, including this clip:

Uncle Rico: We also need some way to make us look official, like we got all the answers.

Kip: How about some gold bracelets?

Uncle Rico: We need like some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and whatnot.  I mean, we gotta look legit, man.

...which was a little awkward, considering our cheaply made Dealer press passes.  After the clips played, Aaron Ruell and Pedro Efren Ramirez were introduced by a wooden MC.  Aaron and Effren talked about their careers and filming Napoleon Dynamite and how Kip Aaron takes photographs.  Some of the insights given included:

"This is Idaho." - Aaron

"Remember the Alamo?" - Efren

"He [Jared Hess] is doing Napoleon Dynamite right here." - Aaron

None of the Dealer staff wrote down any other notes. 

Soon, it was time for the Q&A session, where the Dealer staff leapt into action and got into the line to ask questions.  Finally, we had the opportunity to go "undercover" and ask the burning questions that would reveal UC's motives for hiding this dark meeting of the souls from the public eye.

David Akadjian: I just wanted to know if you used stunt doubles for the fight scenes.

Aaron Ruell: To be honest, Jon Heder, when he slaps me, he's--he's really a pansy.

Hear the audio of David's question.

Edmund Osterman: If you two had to wrestle each other, who would you each pick as your tag-team partner, and why?

Aaron Ruell: George "The Animal" Steele.

Efren Ramirez Pedro: Napoleon Dynamite.  He is my best friend.

Hear the audio of Edmund's question.

The evening was over.  As the Dealer staff was never escorted from the building by security personnel, the event was considered a success by some of us, and a flaming, tipped-over eighteen-wheeler of failure by others of us.  After a brief fistfight in the parking lot, all differences were resolved over a big shared bowl of ice cream.

*We failed.