NEWTOWN - Meridian Bioscience Inc. accidentally shipped vials of a deadly influenza strain to eighteen countries as part of a testing kit.  The influenza is particularly deadly to young people because it has not been included in flu vaccines since 1968; it was intended to be part of the drive to remove all young people from the Greater Cincinnati area.

"In the 1990s, six percent of Cincinnatians aged 25-34 left the area," said Meridian CEO William Motto.  "This wasn't enough.  The city increased its efforts by shutting down music festivals, letting the entertainment areas of the riverfront and downtown area decay, and using age-based curfews in certain neighborhoods."

Meridian president John Kraeutler stated, "After Article XII was repealed, our company was brought in to deliver a quicker, more final solution to the depraved youth prowling this city.  Get a haircut, you hippies!"