CINCINNATI - Yesterday the blood ran red in the streets of Cincinnati.  The Cincinnati Herald sent letters to all men named Harold in Cincinnati.  Harold Danders showed us a copy of his letter.  “It says all Cincinnati Harolds must Cease & Desist,” said Danders, “I guess I have no choice but to comply.”  He then hopped into a bathtub filled with water and a Conair 1875 Watt Hair Dryer on sale now at Sears for $9.99!

It was a gruesome sight for the Big Brother/Little Brothers group of Cincinnati as they were heading to Hathaways (located on the first floor of the Carew Tower) for a pancake breakfast.  Gary Ferns, big brother to Jimmy King, stopped in awe as a sky full of Harolds rained down on them.  “This is the best pancake breakfast ever,” yelled little Jimmy King, as he stooped down to pull off an ear from the ground and started munching on it.  “My big brother is the coolest ever!”

This scene and others like it have played out all over town.  The line for the Roebling Suspension Bridge goes back six city blocks.  Crowds seem calm and peaceful despite them all ending in suicidal jumps.  Most are seemly unaware that a jump from a bridge that low will at most result in spinal cord injuries.  Only a few lucky ones have been splattered on passing barges or party boats.
 
The police have had little success in preventing the mass suicides.  One officer reportedly tried to stop a man who was laying on the train tracks.  When questioned, the man handed the officer the letter.  “Damn, my name is Harold too.  I guess there is only one thing I can do,” stammered Officer Harold as he shot both Deiters and himself in the head.
 
Eric H. Kearny, lawyer and owner of the Cincinnati Herald has no regrets.  “Their name is too confusingly similar to my paper, The Cincinnati Harald… um Hearld …ah it’s something like that.  I mean look at that guy out the window.  He is a Harold and lives in Cincinnati.  The general public have been trying to buy him for 50 cents.  It’s stealing business away.  And whenever somebody buys a paper from us they get upset when they get newsprint instead of a Harold.  I can’t run a serious paper this way!”

There are an estimated 1,690 Harolds in Cincinnati.  The Hamilton County Coroner’s office has been flooded.  “Please, no photos,” asked O’dell Owens, Hamilton County Coroner.  “It’s been a fairly busy day, but it’s easy work.  Figuring out the cause of death is a snap.  Even the John Does are easier to identify.  Or should I say Harold Does, ha-ha.”

The cease & desist notices have gone far beyond just the Cincinnati area.  Martha Hickey, widow of the actor William Hickey looked at the letter with tears and confusion.  “Why won’t they just leave him alone,” she cried.  “What more can I do?  He’s already in the grave for 8 years.”  William Hickey played part of the irascible but lovable hobo, Cincinnati Harold, who reunites with his family after 20 years in the 1987 movie “A Hobo’s Christmas.”

Harold, the editor for the Cincinnati Harold could not be reached for comment… Ah, crap!  Where are the razor blades.