 CORRYVILLE - The University of Cincinnati announced at a Tuesday press conference that they will be raising tuition this year by 21%, much higher than experts had originally projected.
UC's director of licensing Carla Crabtree made the announcement while a 3-foot tall object sat on the table in front of her, draped in a white sheet.
As reporters began asking questions about the highest tuition increase in school history, Crabtree strained her voice to talk over them.
"I think this will answer all your questions," Crabtree shouted, while whisking away the sheet to unveil the new UC Bearcat Logo - a nearly identical design to the former one.
"Yeah, so as you can see, we kind of got screwed," Crabtree sheepishly admitted. "We hired design firm LPK to revamp the logo, since it's sort of gotten old over the past 15 years, and we need a new look before getting utterly destroyed in the Big East Conference next year. Anyhoo, six months and thirty-five thousand dollars later, we get this... thing in the mail. The floor is now open for questions. Yes, you, the tanned fellow."
"Hi, John Popovich, channel 9 news," the portly sports reporter replied. "My seven year-old could come up with a better graphic design than that. Can't you ask them to re-do it?"
"Well, we tried to get in touch with LPK, but it seems as though they sorta... left town," Crabtree answered, while clearing her throat and adjusting her collar. "Uh...the blonde with the dark roots, third row."
"Mrs. Crabtree? Sheree Paolello, channel 5 news, where the news comes first? Back to the tuition increase, if you please. How can you possibly explain this unprecedented 21% hike when inflation was just 4% last year?"
"I think I made that abundantly clear," scoffed Crabtree, pointing dramatically to the new Bearcat logo with her thumb. "We gotta pay for this piece of crap somehow. Then we gotta hire someone to do another design - you know, one that actually looks different? This all costs money, people. Try to keep up," said Crabtree. "Yes, you in the back."
"Kit Andrews, Channel 12 news. Are you fucking kidding me? Don't get me wrong, $35,000 is a major screwup on your part, but that's, like, one new student's tuition. 21%? You've got some major explaining to do."
"Do I, Ms. Andrews?" said Crabtree. "Do I? Look, I'm not going to insult your intelligence with the usual bull spewed by universities when these rates happen. I mean NKU actually had the nerve to claim that their increase was to pay for new faculty positions. New faculty positions? You don't add new faculty until you add new students, which means new money! And to be perfectly frank, we don't even add a new faculty member when our lecture halls start overflowing with students. We just import a teaching assistant from Pakistan, who receives no salary and a free graduate degree. That's standard operating procedure. No, Ms. Andrews, a $35,000 mismanagement of funds is not enough to explain a tuition increase like 21%, but this is just one example of hundreds where public institutions like ours mismanage government funds and pass the penalties due to incompetence onto you, the consumer. Wake up, Ms. Andrews. Wake up."
The new bearcat logo is expected to hit t-shirt and shot glass stores by April 6th. At the current tuition increase rate, a child born today will need $823,000 to pay for just one year of UC education. |
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