UC's director of licensing Carla Crabtree made the announcement while a 3-foot tall object sat on the table in front of her, draped in a white sheet.

As reporters began asking questions about the highest tuition increase in school history, Crabtree strained her voice to talk over them.

"I think this will answer all your questions," Crabtree shouted, while whisking away the sheet to unveil the new UC Bearcat Logo - a nearly identical design to the former one.

CINCINNATI - The Cincinnati Reds continue to trim the roster in spring training: Tuesday, slugger Rob Stratton was cut.  Stratton led the preseason Reds with four home runs and ten runs batted in.  He will join phenom prospect Edwin Encarnacion in the Louisville Bats, the Reds' triple-A affiliate.

"I promised to bring a championship to the Reds organization, and I will deliver," said Dan O'Brien, the Reds general manager.  "Rather than settle for another fourth-place finish in the NL Central, we're going to stock up the Bats and destroy the International League.  I can't believe no other team has thought of this yet."

O'Brien continued, "Next, I'll send down [Austin] Kearns, [Adam] Dunn, and Wily Mo [Pena] to rehab from their injuries."  When informed that none of those players are injured, O'Brien rubbed his hands together, chuckled, and said, "Oh, they will be."

CORRYVILLE - The UC Bearcats found themselves drawing a lower 7 seed rather than the expected 6 seed in the NCAA Tournament, slated to kick off this Thursday.

UC fell a seed most likely due to their newly installed "3-Point Shots Only" offense unveiled in their C-USA tournament loss to South Florida.

Huggins explained, "I know it didn't look pretty in the USF game, but I'm confident that we can perfect our new offense by the Iowa game on Thursday. I mean, how hard is it to work on firing up three-pointers after crossing half-court?"

CORRYVILLE - University of Cincinnati basketball coach Bob Huggins apologized today for his team's 2nd place league finish in Conference USA.

"I'm sorry I let the fans and the city down. I mean, I know we've won the league eight of the ten years it's existed, but our fans should expect more.  I know they're all thinking that it's just not good enough to own the nation's third-longest streak of NCAA tournament appearances anymore."

CINCINNATI - Following the success of using eminent domain to develop more profitable property in Clifton and Norwood, the City of Cincinnati today declared Ken Griffey, Jr. to be a blighted area. His contract, one-fifth of the Cincinnati Reds payroll, will be taken over by the city and awarded to a baseball player who can run more than fifty feet without suffering a season-ending injury.

Nick Siobhan ambled down to historic Great American Ball Park at 4 am early Saturday morning to get in line for Opening Day tickets.

"I've never been able to buy Opening Day tickets. I feel that this is the year!" said Siobhan, 34, of Golf Manor. "The only other time I've been willing to wait in a line this long was for the premiere of Star Wars: Episode One."

SPRINGFIELD, Oh - Nuclear power plant technician and Bengal's fan Homer Simpson has owned Bengal's season tickets since Kenny Anderson was throwing to Isaac Curtis.

"I have been a Bengals fan for as long as I can remember. When I was little, Dad would round me and my brother Herb up, drive down to ol' Riverfront to tailgate by 8 am. He was usually smashed by 11 am, and branding all of us with the grill tongs by then. I suppose, looking back on it now, it was a strange thing for a grown man to do to his children, but that was Dad."

The University of Cincinnati men's basketball team lost its second overall game of the season to conference rival Louisville last Saturday, January 15. The 66-69 loss gives UC a season record of 14-2.

"They're pathetic, as usual." said David Hyde, 20, an economics major at UC and avid basketball fan. "I can't believe how many losses they've piled up this year. Why can't they ever win a game?"

The Cincinnati Reds declined to participate baseball's winter meetings in Florida this year. They instead decided to spend the money to check out The Happiest Place On Earth: Disneyworld. Reds GM Dan O'Brien said, "We weren't really planning to make any deals anyway, since next year is a rebuilding year, so we figured, why waste time at boring meetings when we could be riding Space Mountain on Carl's dime!" O'Brien then giggled and later added: "Maybe we can sign Mickey to the bullpen for cheap."

Marvin Lewis accepted the position of Superintendent for Cincinnati Public Schools Thursday. He becomes the latest to accept the enormous challenge of declining enrollment and school board in-fighting in the school system. At the press conference, Lewis stated: "Moral victories aren't good enough anymore. We're going to work at it and work at it, and we're going to keep getting better and better. We cannot accept mediocrity."

In related news, Deputy Superintendent Rosa Blackwell is listed as probable for this Sunday's board meeting.