CINCINNATI - On the heels of the second devastating collapse in as many weeks, the Reds were looking for answers. Well, most of them were.

Danny Graves, who gave up the game-tying 3-run double said after the game, "We're not a bad team. We don't suck. We're not a bad pitching staff. We're not a bad bullpen. Like they reported, it wasn't my fault."

Obviously, Graves was on drugs.

Former Bengals star Ickey Woods is the head coach of the Cincinnati Sizzle, a first-year team in the National Women's Football Association (NWFA).  Last Saturday, April 30, the Sizzle played the three-time defending champion Detroit Demolition.

Cincinnati Dealer: How did you get involved in this league?

Ickey Woods: My wife went to the tryout, and I said if she made the team and they needed coaches, I would help out.  I was being sarcastic.  But she made the team, and here I am.

"Dem salads are good," said an awkward Rose, before taking a healthy bite from Gold Star Chili's new South of the Border Chili Salad.

"Cut!" yelled the director after the 4,256th take.

NORWOOD - Neighborhood kickball champion Billy Tyler, six years old, was arrested and charged with driving his tricycle under the influence of alcohol on Tuesday afternoon.  In addition to his kickball trophies, Billy has played soccer for two years, and plans to join a tee-ball league next season.

"I want to grow up and be a hometown sports star," slurred Billy after a breath test showed his blood alcohol level to be 0.028.  "I want to be as awesome as Ryan Freel and Keith LeGree and Bubba Nelson and Coach [Bob] Huggins and Justin Smith."  During Billy's suspension from his after-school sports activities, he will continue to receive his full salary.

AVONDALE - Cincinnati Herald editor and publisher Eric H. Kearney, in an attempt to boost readership of the primarily African-American newspaper among the WWF and Nascar crowd, has announced his entrance into The Ultimate Fighting Championship.

UC's director of licensing Carla Crabtree made the announcement while a 3-foot tall object sat on the table in front of her, draped in a white sheet.

As reporters began asking questions about the highest tuition increase in school history, Crabtree strained her voice to talk over them.

"I think this will answer all your questions," Crabtree shouted, while whisking away the sheet to unveil the new UC Bearcat Logo - a nearly identical design to the former one.

CINCINNATI - The Cincinnati Reds continue to trim the roster in spring training: Tuesday, slugger Rob Stratton was cut.  Stratton led the preseason Reds with four home runs and ten runs batted in.  He will join phenom prospect Edwin Encarnacion in the Louisville Bats, the Reds' triple-A affiliate.

"I promised to bring a championship to the Reds organization, and I will deliver," said Dan O'Brien, the Reds general manager.  "Rather than settle for another fourth-place finish in the NL Central, we're going to stock up the Bats and destroy the International League.  I can't believe no other team has thought of this yet."

O'Brien continued, "Next, I'll send down [Austin] Kearns, [Adam] Dunn, and Wily Mo [Pena] to rehab from their injuries."  When informed that none of those players are injured, O'Brien rubbed his hands together, chuckled, and said, "Oh, they will be."

CORRYVILLE - The UC Bearcats found themselves drawing a lower 7 seed rather than the expected 6 seed in the NCAA Tournament, slated to kick off this Thursday.

UC fell a seed most likely due to their newly installed "3-Point Shots Only" offense unveiled in their C-USA tournament loss to South Florida.

Huggins explained, "I know it didn't look pretty in the USF game, but I'm confident that we can perfect our new offense by the Iowa game on Thursday. I mean, how hard is it to work on firing up three-pointers after crossing half-court?"

CORRYVILLE - University of Cincinnati basketball coach Bob Huggins apologized today for his team's 2nd place league finish in Conference USA.

"I'm sorry I let the fans and the city down. I mean, I know we've won the league eight of the ten years it's existed, but our fans should expect more.  I know they're all thinking that it's just not good enough to own the nation's third-longest streak of NCAA tournament appearances anymore."

CINCINNATI - Following the success of using eminent domain to develop more profitable property in Clifton and Norwood, the City of Cincinnati today declared Ken Griffey, Jr. to be a blighted area. His contract, one-fifth of the Cincinnati Reds payroll, will be taken over by the city and awarded to a baseball player who can run more than fifty feet without suffering a season-ending injury.