CINCINNATI - In what has to be the all-time greatest mis-management move in Major League Baseball history, General manager Dan O’Brien traded Ken Griffey Jr. to the New York Yankees for Steve Howe who hasn’t played in the major leagues since 1996.

The Yankees traded Griffey to the San Francisco Giants for Jason Schmidt. The Giants then sent Griffey to the Cubs for 3 minor league prospects and the Cubs traded him back to the Reds for Austin Kearns, Adam Dunn, Sean Casey, Willy Mo Pena, 6 future first round draft choices and 700 million dollars in deferred money for the next 50 years.

O’Brien expressed disappointment that he did not see the trade coming.

Looks like the fake Ben Roethlisberger we spotted this May was just the tip of the iceberg. A Pittsburgh man arrested last week for harassment had misrepresented himself to several women as Pittsburgh Steelers quarterbacks Roethlisberger and Brian St. Pierre.

No word yet on why anyone would pretend to be the rookie quarterback who took his team's 15-1 season and choked it away in the playoffs.

The battle between the two most-inept general managers in baseball escalated this week as Nationals (and former Reds) GM Jim Bowden was brought into custody on telemarketing fraud charges.

"I received and followed up on several voicemails from [Cardinals GM] Walt Jocketty and [Athletics GM] Billy Beane," Reds GM Dan O'Brien said. "They offered me solid AAA pitchers in exchange for [Sean] Casey and [Rich] Aurillia, which was, in retrospect, not at all realistic. It turns out Jim can do impressions."

"I suppose Jim was angry that I put him on my do-not-call list," O'Brien continued. "But his actions violated recent telemarketing statutes regarding misrepresentation."

A statement released through Bowden's lawyer read, "I regret my actions as highly as fans regret the insane, franchise-crippling contracts I regularly hand out to ballplayers in their late thirties."

CINCINNATI - Reds general manager Dan O'Brien announced today at an 11:00 a.m. press conference that the Reds have traded Brandon Claussen, Adam Dunn, Edwin Encarnacion, Ryan Freel, Ken Griffey Jr., Aaron Harang, Felipe Lopez, Kent Mercker, Wily Mo Pena, Joe Randa, Rob Stratton, and Ryan Wagner.

In return, the Reds will receive 437 single-A pitchers from the Angels, Devil Rays, Diamondbacks, Giants, Mets, and White Sox.

"We need pitching," said O'Brien. "If just four percent of our new pitchers make it to the majors in the next four years, we're in great shape. We are not in rebuilding mode."

When asked about the offensive lineup, which will now start Rich Aurillia, Anderson Machado, and Jason Romano, O'Brien responded, "You noticed I kept Casey, right? That'll sell some tickets."

NEW YORK CITY - With the twenty-sixth pick of the first round, the Detroit Pistons selected UC forward Jason Maxiell. As the 2005 Eastern Conference champions came up short on perimeter shooting in this year's NBA finals, and Arizona shooting guard Salim Stoudamire was available, the pick came as a surprise to some analysts.

Former terrible UC player Robert Whaley, who left the team after the 2003-2004 season to play at Walsh, was drafted with the fifty-first overall pick by the Utah Jazz.

CINCINNATI - Yesterday, Reds general manager Dan O'Brien invited the Reds coaching staff into the boardroom. After discussing who was most at fault with the Reds 27-43 last place record, O'Brien elected manager Dave Miley and pitching coach Don Gullett to stay behind. After consulting with assistants George and Caroline, O'Brien broke form with the show format, er, team policy and fired both Miley and Gullett.

Dan O'Brien said, "I'm very comfortable with the decision. The bottom line is if my employees can't coach a major league baseball team, how can I expect them to lead one of my sham real estate ventures?"

CINCINNATI - While losing to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays 6-1 in the second inning last night, the Cincinnati Reds were treated to a surprise visit from owner Carl Lindner. Entering the dugout, Lindner waved a loaded M9 9mm semiautomatic pistol and shouted drunkenly, "Heads are gonna roll! [Pitching coach Don] Gullet, [manager Dave] Miley, get on your knees and pray!"

Following the precedent of Reds CEO John Allen's visit to the Reds in Colorado, Lindner then left the dugout quietly without changing anything or firing anyone.

"His breath reeked of plastic-jug vodka," said utility infielder Ryan Freel of Lindner. "Popov, I think."

Kirkland Unaccountably Passed Over in NBA Draft

Junior UC guard Armein "Captain" Kirkland, who declared for the NBA draft, was not picked by any team.  Kirkland, stunned, resigned himself to plan B: "I'll just have to settle for being President of the United States," he said.  "I plan to win this year's election."

Confused Man Attends Reds Game

In attendance at last Saturday's Reds-Indians game was the man pictured here, wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers No. 7 Ben Roethlisberger jersey... for some reason.

When heckled by nearby Reds/ Indians/ Bengals/ Browns fans, the man raised his arms and yelled back, "I forgot my broom!"  Which didn't make sense, as the Reds had won the first game of the Reds-Indians series.

Another fan yelled to No. 7, "New England didn't forget theirs!" Which also didn't make sense, as New England lost to Pittsburgh earlier in the season, and thus when the Patriots beat the Steelers in the AFC championship game, they did not "sweep" them.

Confused, everyone soon settled down and quietly watched the Reds lose.

CINCINNATI - Following a five-run, one-out performance in the Reds 9-2 loss on Sunday, which ballooned his ERA up to an eye-popping 7.36, Reds reliever Danny Graves showed a heckling fan his "one-finger fastball."

Reports say that Graves asked the fan "if he could hear this," and subsequently, "or should I turn it up?"

Though the fan was most likely a racist jackass, Graves could have sought comfort by bathing in wads of cash instead of lashing out.

It turned out to be a final farewell to the rest of the stadium, as the next day, the eight-year Reds member and two-time All-Star was fired, er, designated for assignment.