Rose said he had looked up the chances of winning the Powerball on that "Wiskipedier" website,  where it claims that the odds of matching all 6 numbers correctly are 1 in 146,107,962.  "So that's exactly how many tickets I bought,"  said Rose. 

CINCINNATI - Deposed UC basketball coach Bob Huggins had his career and drinking habit celebrated in a roast at U.S. Bank Arena on September 29.

CINCINNATI - After three solid wins to open the season, the Bengals are one of four unbeaten teams in the NFL. The national media has taken notice; ESPN placed the Bengals fourth in this week's NFL power rankings. With each win, the odds increase for a season-crippling event.

In response to the best team's start since 1990, worried Bengals fans have curled into the fetal position on couches everywhere. Current bets available at local sports books include:

1. Cincinnati-style DUI of highly public Bengals coach: 5-1
2. Chad "7/11" Johnson tears ACL during touchdown jig: 8-1
3. Rich Braham tears ACL during touchdown jig: 150-1
4. In fourth quarter of sixteenth consecutive Bengals win, Paul Brown Stadium is swallowed into the earth and flooded by the Ohio River as unicorns storm the field and trample the entire team, including the practice squad: 14-1

THE INTERNET - A Tuesday ESPN SportsCenter poll shows a mere 95% of Bengals fans approve of the job head coach Marvin Lewis is doing with the Bengals.

In the past three years, Lewis has turned the most inept franchise in professional sports into a top-ranked team, and is off to a 3-0 start. However, as dissatisfied fans pointed out, he has not yet beaten a team this year by over two hundred points; additionally, Lewis cannot fly, and lacks the ability to turn iron ore into silver using only the power of his mind.

CINCINNATI - Ken Griffey Jr. postponed his season-ending injury until September 4th, two months later than Las Vegas odds makers had predicted.

Griffey injured his right foot while routinely running the bases in a game in Atlanta. Although initially listed as day-to-day, Griffey would not play again.

At Thursday's press conference, fans stood and cheered for Griffey and the five-month caution that allowed him to hit .301 with 35 homers and 92 RBIs in 128 games.

PAUL BROWN STADIUM - The Bengals rolled up on the Indianapolis Colts' second and third teams in a 38-0 victory in the team's final pre-season game on Friday.

"I feel ready," said 2nd-year starter Carson Palmer.

Despite the fact that the first-team offense did not score a touchdown against a first-team defense in four pre-season games, optimism ran high in the stands.

"YEEEAAAAH!!! Take that Peyton!" yelled orange-and-black painted fan Mark Butts. When pointed out that Peyton Manning did not even play, Butts explained that he had to feign enthusiasm to feel good about having to pay for two meaningless pre-season games as part of the season ticket package.

"You think I'm merely out to change the University of Cincinnnati's national reputation?  Hogwash," said Zimpher at Tuesday's press conference, where she announced the purchase of Sizzle for $800 and a fold-out couch.  "No, I'm afraid it's much bigger than that.  I will not rest until every Cincinnati sports team starts putting what's most important first: education."

CORRYVILLE - UC president Nancy Zimpher announced today that the money saved by firing coach Bob Huggins would be spent on the endless, circular on-campus demolition and construction. "Despite our ongoing budget problems, we will continue to fritter away hundreds of millions of dollars on poorly designed buildings for no reason," said Zimpher. "Removing Huggins gives us about $3 million, or, in UC terms, twenty-nine hours of sweet, sweet construction."

Reporters pointed out that instead of saving money, the university will be paying millions of dollars to a former employee while at the same time paying a new head coach person a high income. Reporters then asked if paying millions of dollars for basically nothing was a good idea, what with the budget crisis and all.

At this point, a rope ladder unfurled from a hovering helicopter, and Zimpher clambered up the ladder to safety, cackling all the while.

CINCINNATI - Despite the tradition of players doing well on nights when their bobbleheads are given to fans, Reds firstbaseman Tony Perez will not play in tonight's game against the Atlanta Braves. To the disappointment of fans, Perez is missing not only from the lineup, but from the 40-man roster.

"You know Perez retired in 1986, right?" said Reds manager Jerry Narron. "Besides, first base is filled by Sean Casey ... Whose slugging percentage is the lowest of all NL firstbasemen ... You wouldn't happen to have Tony's cell phone number, would you?"