CLIFTON - When UC president Nancy Zimpher fired basketball coach Bob Huggins, she cited as the main reason the damage he and the players he brought in did to the university's reputation. The university continued its public relations drive this week by agreeing to name its new 3,300-seat baseball stadium after Marge Schott, a woman nationally famed for her constant spewing of racial and ethnic slurs.

The naming display will include the phrase "The Lady Loved Baseball," and (in smaller script), "Adolf Hitler was initially good for Germany."

The renaming of the stadium was initiated by the Marge and Charles J. Schott Foundation's donation of $2,000,000 to UC. In addition to the stadium's name and plaque, the Schott Foundation also requires via contract that baseball games continue with a maximum two-minute delay after the death of an umpire or player.

What do you give the sports nut who has everything? We scoured the greater Cincinnati area and found these unique gifts.

Armein "Captain" Kirkland Gift Basket. Contains hand-crafted replicas of UC guard/forward Kirkland's basketball shots. $75.
Junior Bearcat Make-Your-Own-Headline Kit. Contains automobile and three-gallon jug of grain alcohol. Suitable for repeated use. $35,000.
Xavier Tournament Sweatshirt. Celebrate Xavier's participation in last year's postseason basketball tournament. $40.
Eric Milton Action Figure. Pitching arm not included. $25.5 million over three years.
Bengals Pass-Rush Training Set. Can you battle past the obstacles? The Bengals' defensive line almost can! $300.

These colors don't take shortcuts.. they only run

"I never realized that the honorable Congressman who I just now called a coward, actually had a bad case of corns, along with an outbreak of hives,"  said Schmidt, sighing, "I suppose that's allowable."

While infamous cheaters like Subway Rosie may deserve to be rebuked, honest runners who simply can't force themselves to continue running a race will probably be spared Schmidt's competitive vitriol in the future.  Schmidt may have forgotten that the very first marathon runner died at the finish line, and could've used a shortcut.

CINCINNATI - Despite generating nearly 500 yards of offense and scoring 27 points in one half, the Bengals' still lost 45-37 to the undefeated Indianapolis Colts. The loss leaves the Bengals at 7-3 and still tied for the division lead with Pittsburgh.. small comfort for fans who have suffered through a decade of futility.

On the heels of the loss, special teams gunner Reggie Myles said, "It was a moral victory. I mean, we probably hung with em as best as anybody. So yeah I'm satisifed. It's a 'W' in my book."

Myles was immediately cut and then pelted with water bottles.

CORRYVILLE - The UC men's basketball team barely squeaked by veritable OVC powerhouse Murray State Saturday night in a 79-75 overtime win.  During the game, thousands of "Ohmigod, they look really bad" echoed across the city, as Bearcat after Bearcat attempted to take his man one-on-one before wildly flinging up a shot that sometimes went in... *COUGH*White*COUGH*, or firing up a jumpshot from outside 15 ft. every freakin time... *COUGH*Kirkland*COUGH*.

It was Andy Kennedy's coaching debut, and the first game in 16 years without Bob Huggins.

The 'Cats found some sort of offense on Tuesday night, when they roundly defeated an Illinois State team, 76-59, who evidently stole their mascot from Louisville.  Freshman guard, Devan "So long Jihad" Downey scored 21 points in just his second collegiate game offering some hint of optimism.

The undefeated Bearcats take on Holy Cross on Friday, Nov. 25 at Fifth Third Arena.

CORRYVILLE - In front of a national TV audience, the UC Bearcats football squad was crushed by the Mountaineers of West Virginia, 38-0. Despite the score, UC and WVU played evenly in many statistical categories, such as first downs, passing yards, punts, third down conversions, and time of possession.  Of course, who pays attention to time of possession when you're so busy scoring? And who cares about passing when you average 5.9 yards per carry? Presumably, WVU's seven punts resulted from an inability to run plays while laughing too much.

Coach Dantonio said after the game, "Shouldn't you all be watching the basketball team or something?"

Dodgers general manager Paul DePodesta (fired) and Red Sox GM Theo Epstein (resigned) both unexpectedly became available last month. DePodesta and Epstein are regarded by many as two of the brightest GMs in Major League Baseball. HEY, LINDNER: HINT HINT HINT HINT HINT.

NASHVILLE - On Monday, Pete Rose, Jr. pleaded guilty to selling gamma butyrolactone (GBL) in 2001-2002. Rose claims to have distributed GBL, an industrial solvent used as a recreational drug, to his teammates on the Chattanooga Lookouts, the Double-A affiliate of the Cincinnati Reds. Rose faces 21 to 24 months in federal prison and up to a $1 million fine.

It is speculated that the drug charge may keep Rose out of the Baseball Hall of Fame. Cincinnatians were outraged at the news.

CINCINNATI - During the final drive of last Sunday's Bengals game, drunk moron Greg Gall ran onto the field and received a handoff from Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre. In a rare display of good judgment, the FOX broadcast did not show a replay of the event, so as to not encourage like behavior from other drunk, fame-seeking morons.

In a not-rare display of unsound judgment, the Cincinnati Enquirer interviewed Gall and put his picture in the paper.

Fans attending the next Bengals home game on November 20 can line up after the third quarter for their chance to meet Peyton Manning and be featured in the local news. The Bengals organization has asked fans to limit themselves to three drunk morons on the field at a time so that security is not overwhelmed.

CINCINNATI - Nothing provokes a football fan like a good "gay" taunt. When Steelers' fans yelled "gay," "homo," and "faggoty fag fag fag" at Paul Brown Stadium on Sunday, Bengals' fans fought back.

"There is no 'gay' or 'not gay'," Guy Oglesme said. "Sexuality is a spectrum. Most people are somewhere in the middle."

A group of fans gathered Monday for a fashion show to protest the remarks. Bam Holl of West Chester sported a "Who Gay!" towel.