CINCINNATI - Bengals' 2nd-year (maybe) WR Chris Henry found himself in court for the fourth time in the last six months.  In the last six months, Henry has been arrested in Covington for hiding marijuana in his shoe, arrested in Florida for brandishing a gun and then throwing it in the back of a limo, arrested in Clermont County for driving under the influence, and most recently arrested in Kenton County for providing alcohol to minors in a hotel room.

During a press conference, head coach Marvin Lewis did not have much to say.  Instead he simply stared at reporters with that cold, unblinking stare of his, burning holes in the back of the room with his eyes.

Henry is still not medically cleared to play after injuring his knee at the end of last season.  According to the NFL player's union contract, an injured player cannot be released.  Henry is expected to clear in 2-3 weeks.  Coincidentally, that's also about the same time Marvin's foot is expected get stuck in Henry's ass as he boot's his butt off the team.

CINCINNATI - When President Bush came to Cincinnati on Monday to throw out the Reds Opening Day first pitch, he offered a few kernels of wisdom to Cincinnati's team, specifically on his "strategery in the expectations game".

"You get them to misunderestimate you," Bush told Reds players in his pre-game pep talk, "When I debated John Kerry in 2004, everyone's expectations was so low, nobody thought I'd win a debate.  All I had to do was complete a few sentences here and there.. heh-heh-heh."

Bush advised Reds players to make a laughingstock of themselves in early games, so that opponents would let down their guard in the big games later on.

"Don't worry about winning these piddly little games that don't matter," said Bush, "Go ahead and let the other team score 15-16 runs if you want.   Remember, it's the first impression that counts most.  Later on in the season, when all your opponents are overconfident, just wait for them to screw up and call your teammate's daughter a lesbian. That's when you go in for the kill."

AVONDALE - Xavier assistant basketball coach Kenya Hunter was arrested Saturday night in Mt. Adams and charged with a DUI. Fans of both teams celebrated the arrest as a sign that UC will transfer its drunk thug image to Xavier.

"It'll be nice to have a team that's somewhat feared, because one of the players might tape someone to a chair and torture them, or drive into the Ohio river all drunk," said Xavier business major Thaddeus Applesmith. "Maybe we can get out of the A10 into a real conference now."

"We were running out of players and coaches to commit DUIs, so I'm pleased to see Xavier pick up the slack," said UC head coach Andy Kennedy. "If you'll excuse me, I have to go convince a six-foot-four tennis player to please join the basketball team."

CINCINNATI - When Armein Kirkland suffered a season-ending ACL tear in Tuesday night's game, the number of UC scholarship players was reduced to eight. As a result, first-year coach Anthony Kennedy has been forced to look elsewhere to fill the vacant slots.

Today, the Bearcats announced the signing of Ryan Freel to a 4-year alcoholic scholarship.

"Our team is thrilled to have Ryan," Kennedy said. "He brings not just great alcoholic ability, but leadership off the court as well as on."

CORRYVILLE - After earning a 3.3 GPA for the 2005 fall quarter and going 0-9 in Monday's loss to UConn, UC shooting guard Jihad Muhammad's GPA (3.1) is now higher than his shooting percentage (2.8%). In recognition, Muhammad was honored with the Weekly Scholastic Player Award.

"While watching UC games, we kept hearing the announcers talk about what a dangerous scorer Muhammad is," said Gene Jeffson, chair of the Scholastic Player Award committee. "We figure that if his GPA is higher than his shooting percentage, it must be crazy astronomical, like 60.5 or 58.3 or something."

Upon hearing the news at practice, Muhammad grinned, sprinted toward an unguarded basket while flailing his arms, and heaved an easy lay-up directly into the side of the backboard.

Inside

Bengals' Playoff Hopes Doomed By First-half Leg Injury To Kenyon Martin
All Cincinnati Athletes Fear For Their ACL's
NFL Fines Kinda Backwards

Bengals' Playoff Hopes Doomed By First-half Leg Injury To Kenyon Martin

Delerious football fans poured out of Paul Brown Stadium Sunday evening following a 31-17 Bengals loss to the Steelers.

"If only Kenyon hadn't broken his leg, we'd 've won the Super Bowl!!!" slurred Tim Higgins, of Bridgetown.  A chorus of agreement ran through the crowd.

"Only in Cincinnati," complained another fan, Steve Coney of California.  "Only in Cincinnati, the first playoff game in 15 years, and we can't even get a fair fight. Well, at least UC's doing well."

CINCINNATI - The Bengals brushed up their vaunted no-huddle defense against the Kansas City Chiefs this weekend by limiting them to 37 points. 

"The no-huddle is a no-brainer," Coach Marvin Lewis said. "It wins games. Period."

Lewis paused. "Usually. Semi-colon."

In the past 7 games, the no-huddle defense has held opponents to 45, 29, 31, 20, 17, 32 and 37 respectively.  

What appears to be chaos on the field is actually a carefully orchestrated lack of any plan whatsoever.

"Without a playbook, the defense can adjust to any offensive scheme," said Chuck Bresnahan, inventor of the no-huddle defense. 

THE BENGALS ARE GOING TO THE PLAYOFFS!