CINCINNATI -  Papa John's pizza chain recently sold Cleveland 23 cent pizzas to apologize for printing t-shirts that dissed Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James,  #23.   Now a local Tri-State area protest group has popped up demanding that Papa John's dis Bengals (sic) wide receiver Chad Johnson.

"Dis Chad Johnson! Dis Chad Johnson" chanted the group outside a Papa John's on Vine Street,  "We demand an apology.  We want our 85 cent pizzas and we want them now."

The group was all wearing bootleg Papa John's dis t-shirts (pictured above).  

"I can even give Papa John's the design for this shirt so they can print some up," said PJ Dis CJ group leader Bruce Pusworthy, "Then we will all await our apologies in the form of 85 cent pizzas."

The group has even lobbied regional manager Julia Harlan at the Tri-State Papa John's corporate offices.

"Actually, 85 cents is a lot more than 23 cents," said Harlan, "So I can understand why we would prefer to run this promotion, but what I don't understand is why we would want to apologize for dissing Chad Johnson?"

CINCINNATI - Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson says he wants to leave the team for any team that has "a slight chance of winning the Super Bowl sometime within the next decade".

On ESPN this week, Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer told reporters,  "I just want to say this one thing to Chad Johnson if he's watching.. Who dey.. Who dey.. Who dey think they gonna beat dem Bengals?"

On ESPN the following night, Chad Johnson answered that Palmer's Who Dey chant, despite being a strong argument, had failed to convince him to want to stay with the Bengals.  He then publicly offered a prize Lexus to Mike Brown if he is traded.

Coach Marvin Lewis told reporters this week that he would put the wide receiver on a strict regimen of antidepressants, for his recent lack of "team player skills".

CINCINNATI - Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was let go this week after the Bengals did a random background check on him.

The Bengals organization runs a background check on all new employees, but they also perform random background checks on current employees.

"I know this is going to be a surprise for everyone," said Bengals president Mike Brown, "But the background check revealed that our beloved wide receiver isn't exactly a law-abiding citizen."

"In fact, he's been arrested many times, all underneath our noses," said Brown, "Who knew?"

The wide receiver said he disagreed with the decision to fire him all because of a background check.   Henry told reporters on Friday that he had just been starting to turn over a new leaf - the 17th leaf, in fact - and that the Bengals organization had been like a friend to him.

"And what's a little assault and criminal damaging among friends?" said Henry.

CINCINNATI - Reds fans across the Tri-state had only one thought on their minds after Johnny Cueto's major league debut yesterday:

"...!" 

Cueto's line:  7 IP, 1 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 0 BB, 10 K, 1.29 ERA

Interviewed afterwards, Cueto had this to say: "No hay problema," which roughly translated means, "It's nice to see some of the minor league reforms around here pay off after Castellini replaced that ass-clown Lindner."

Reporters nodded their heads in agreement, "Si, si."

CINCINNATI - This week, Hamilton County Commissioners Todd Portune and David Pepper said they would like to honor Reds legend Joe Nuxhall by renaming a section of Main Street as "Joe Nuxhall Way".

Just so the next dead Reds icon doesn't feel left out, the Commissioners would also like to open a new street near Great American Ballpark for the next Reds icon who kicks the bucket.

"There are so many more Reds icons out there who haven't died yet," said Commissioner David Pepper, "And we are runnning out of streets."

"That was the inspiration behind 'Next Dead Reds Icon Way',"  said Pepper, "This new street could eventually become Johnny Bench Way, Joe Morgan Way, Tony Perez Way, Marty Brenneman Way, or Tom Hume Way. It all depends on who dies next."

The NCAA incredulously declared a third 6-10 UC basketball player ineligible for at least a season last week, citing the addition of new Rule 15.2.3.3.  The rule officially states that "...no player who is 6-9 or taller shall play for the University of Cincinnati.  If such a player is recruited by Cincinnati, new rules shall be written to disqualify his eligibility," and its sub-clause Rule 15.2.3.3a, "Note that these rules shall not apply to any other school."

The rule was necessary to explain the preprosterous events of the last year.  First, 6-10 freshman Abdul Herrera was declared ineligible for a year last season just for finishing all his high school requirements.  Herrera left the team permanently at the start of this season for personal reasons.  Precursing the creation of Rule 15.2.3.3a, Randolph Morris of UK was allowed to play even though he contacted an NBA agent and was paid $7000 for tryouts.

Then, the NCAA ruled 6-10 Hernol Hall permanently ineligible for playing in 15 pro games overseas.  The rule (14.2.3.5) was designed to prevent professional ringers from overseas playing in college.  Clearly, Hall's 15-game pro career was intended to acquire an unfair advantage over US college players.

Finally, the NCAA declared 6-10 Adam Hrycaniuk out for one season because he did not get paid for playing in 39 games in Poland.  Hyrcaniuk, who has been aspiring to play college basketball for years, asked everyone he could think to ask if he was breaking any rules and was assured at each step that he was not.  He clearly should have consulted Rule 12.2.3.3 while in Poland.

Sub-clause15.2.3.3b, or the "Ron Allen" rule was also instated last week, which makes an exception to Rule 15.2.3.3, stating: "Players 6-9 or taller may play for Cincinnati if that player is slower than a 6-year-old girl and only shoots 3-pointers."

CINCINNATI - Pete Rose announced that he will begin selling a limited series of 4,256 blowjobs in order to atone for betting on baseball.

The announcement is part of a promotional blitz and comes days after a series of autographed "I'm sorry I bet on baseball" souvenir balls went on sale on his website for $299.

The "hummers" start at $35 for the "Charlie Hustle" and run as high as $200 for the "Switch Hitter."

If you are a reporter with a Hall of Fame ballot or the current commissioner of Major League Baseball, you are eligible for a free "Big Red Machine."

Critics argue that this is nothing but opportunism, but Rose feels differently.

"C'mon," Rose said, "Would I be giving blowjobs if I wasn't really really sorry I bet on baseball?"

The "Hits King" just keeps 'em coming.  

CINCINNATI - Congresswoman Jean Schmidt set a new world record in the marathon this week with a time of twenty-three minutes.

She broke Paula Radcliffe's old mark of 2:15:25 by over an hour and forty-five minutes and took more than an hour and a half off the current men's pace.

Officials used pictures from Schmidt's website to determine her world-record time of 00:23:00. 

The record was the first for the 13th-annual Schmidtville Marathon of Southwestern Ohio. Thousands of Schmidt-izens were on hand for the event.

"She was so fast," Tanya Lake of Batavia said, "no one saw her finish." 

Nathan Noy, an independent challenger in the 2nd district, filed a grievance about the Schmidt results.

"I think her under a mile-a-minute pace speaks for itself," Noy said.

A spokesman for the Schmidt campaign suggested Noy grow some cahunas and cut-and-run his own marathon.

CINCINNATI - As the NFL offseason draws to a close, the Bengals achieved another victory: The Rozelle Award, given to the league's best public relations staff. The award came after a savage battle between the Bengals and the Steelers to get more newspaper ink.

"It was neck and neck," said Harold Timm, chairman of the Professional Football Writers of America (PFWA). "When Ben Roethlisberger planted his dumb, helmetless, motorcycle-riding face into a car, it turned into a great race. When first-round Steelers draft pick Santonio Holmes was arrested for domestic violence, we thought the Steelers locked it. But from nowhere came Frostee Rucker."

"The rookies stepped up, but this award belongs to Chris Henry," said Jack Brennan, Bengals PR director. "From wearing his own jersey while getting arrested for handgun charges to being warned by a judge to stay away from minors and alcohol, Chris has been the league PR MVP."

"Our goal was ink," said assistant director P.J. Combs. "We were proud to see the streets of this city run black with the oceans of blood we helped spill. I mean ink, not blood."

Bengals coach Marvin Lewis, keeping his stance of recent months, said nothing to the gathered fans about his tremendous, award-winning draft picks. Nothing at all.

CINCINNATI - Bengals' 2nd-year (maybe) WR Chris Henry found himself in court for the fourth time in the last six months.  In the last six months, Henry has been arrested in Covington for hiding marijuana in his shoe, arrested in Florida for brandishing a gun and then throwing it in the back of a limo, arrested in Clermont County for driving under the influence, and most recently arrested in Kenton County for providing alcohol to minors in a hotel room.

During a press conference, head coach Marvin Lewis did not have much to say.  Instead he simply stared at reporters with that cold, unblinking stare of his, burning holes in the back of the room with his eyes.

Henry is still not medically cleared to play after injuring his knee at the end of last season.  According to the NFL player's union contract, an injured player cannot be released.  Henry is expected to clear in 2-3 weeks.  Coincidentally, that's also about the same time Marvin's foot is expected get stuck in Henry's ass as he boot's his butt off the team.