CINCINNATI - Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was let go this week after the Bengals did a random background check on him.

The Bengals organization runs a background check on all new employees, but they also perform random background checks on current employees.

"I know this is going to be a surprise for everyone," said Bengals president Mike Brown, "But the background check revealed that our beloved wide receiver isn't exactly a law-abiding citizen."

"In fact, he's been arrested many times, all underneath our noses," said Brown, "Who knew?"

The wide receiver said he disagreed with the decision to fire him all because of a background check.   Henry told reporters on Friday that he had just been starting to turn over a new leaf - the 17th leaf, in fact - and that the Bengals organization had been like a friend to him.

"And what's a little assault and criminal damaging among friends?" said Henry.

CINCINNATI - Reds fans across the Tri-state had only one thought on their minds after Johnny Cueto's major league debut yesterday:

"...!" 

Cueto's line:  7 IP, 1 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 0 BB, 10 K, 1.29 ERA

Interviewed afterwards, Cueto had this to say: "No hay problema," which roughly translated means, "It's nice to see some of the minor league reforms around here pay off after Castellini replaced that ass-clown Lindner."

Reporters nodded their heads in agreement, "Si, si."

The NCAA incredulously declared a third 6-10 UC basketball player ineligible for at least a season last week, citing the addition of new Rule 15.2.3.3.  The rule officially states that "...no player who is 6-9 or taller shall play for the University of Cincinnati.  If such a player is recruited by Cincinnati, new rules shall be written to disqualify his eligibility," and its sub-clause Rule 15.2.3.3a, "Note that these rules shall not apply to any other school."

The rule was necessary to explain the preprosterous events of the last year.  First, 6-10 freshman Abdul Herrera was declared ineligible for a year last season just for finishing all his high school requirements.  Herrera left the team permanently at the start of this season for personal reasons.  Precursing the creation of Rule 15.2.3.3a, Randolph Morris of UK was allowed to play even though he contacted an NBA agent and was paid $7000 for tryouts.

Then, the NCAA ruled 6-10 Hernol Hall permanently ineligible for playing in 15 pro games overseas.  The rule (14.2.3.5) was designed to prevent professional ringers from overseas playing in college.  Clearly, Hall's 15-game pro career was intended to acquire an unfair advantage over US college players.

Finally, the NCAA declared 6-10 Adam Hrycaniuk out for one season because he did not get paid for playing in 39 games in Poland.  Hyrcaniuk, who has been aspiring to play college basketball for years, asked everyone he could think to ask if he was breaking any rules and was assured at each step that he was not.  He clearly should have consulted Rule 12.2.3.3 while in Poland.

Sub-clause15.2.3.3b, or the "Ron Allen" rule was also instated last week, which makes an exception to Rule 15.2.3.3, stating: "Players 6-9 or taller may play for Cincinnati if that player is slower than a 6-year-old girl and only shoots 3-pointers."

CINCINNATI - Pete Rose announced that he will begin selling a limited series of 4,256 blowjobs in order to atone for betting on baseball.

The announcement is part of a promotional blitz and comes days after a series of autographed "I'm sorry I bet on baseball" souvenir balls went on sale on his website for $299.

The "hummers" start at $35 for the "Charlie Hustle" and run as high as $200 for the "Switch Hitter."

If you are a reporter with a Hall of Fame ballot or the current commissioner of Major League Baseball, you are eligible for a free "Big Red Machine."

Critics argue that this is nothing but opportunism, but Rose feels differently.

"C'mon," Rose said, "Would I be giving blowjobs if I wasn't really really sorry I bet on baseball?"

The "Hits King" just keeps 'em coming.  

CINCINNATI - Congresswoman Jean Schmidt set a new world record in the marathon this week with a time of twenty-three minutes.

She broke Paula Radcliffe's old mark of 2:15:25 by over an hour and forty-five minutes and took more than an hour and a half off the current men's pace.

Officials used pictures from Schmidt's website to determine her world-record time of 00:23:00. 

The record was the first for the 13th-annual Schmidtville Marathon of Southwestern Ohio. Thousands of Schmidt-izens were on hand for the event.

"She was so fast," Tanya Lake of Batavia said, "no one saw her finish." 

Nathan Noy, an independent challenger in the 2nd district, filed a grievance about the Schmidt results.

"I think her under a mile-a-minute pace speaks for itself," Noy said.

A spokesman for the Schmidt campaign suggested Noy grow some cahunas and cut-and-run his own marathon.

CINCINNATI - As the NFL offseason draws to a close, the Bengals achieved another victory: The Rozelle Award, given to the league's best public relations staff. The award came after a savage battle between the Bengals and the Steelers to get more newspaper ink.

"It was neck and neck," said Harold Timm, chairman of the Professional Football Writers of America (PFWA). "When Ben Roethlisberger planted his dumb, helmetless, motorcycle-riding face into a car, it turned into a great race. When first-round Steelers draft pick Santonio Holmes was arrested for domestic violence, we thought the Steelers locked it. But from nowhere came Frostee Rucker."

"The rookies stepped up, but this award belongs to Chris Henry," said Jack Brennan, Bengals PR director. "From wearing his own jersey while getting arrested for handgun charges to being warned by a judge to stay away from minors and alcohol, Chris has been the league PR MVP."

"Our goal was ink," said assistant director P.J. Combs. "We were proud to see the streets of this city run black with the oceans of blood we helped spill. I mean ink, not blood."

Bengals coach Marvin Lewis, keeping his stance of recent months, said nothing to the gathered fans about his tremendous, award-winning draft picks. Nothing at all.

CINCINNATI - Bengals' 2nd-year (maybe) WR Chris Henry found himself in court for the fourth time in the last six months.  In the last six months, Henry has been arrested in Covington for hiding marijuana in his shoe, arrested in Florida for brandishing a gun and then throwing it in the back of a limo, arrested in Clermont County for driving under the influence, and most recently arrested in Kenton County for providing alcohol to minors in a hotel room.

During a press conference, head coach Marvin Lewis did not have much to say.  Instead he simply stared at reporters with that cold, unblinking stare of his, burning holes in the back of the room with his eyes.

Henry is still not medically cleared to play after injuring his knee at the end of last season.  According to the NFL player's union contract, an injured player cannot be released.  Henry is expected to clear in 2-3 weeks.  Coincidentally, that's also about the same time Marvin's foot is expected get stuck in Henry's ass as he boot's his butt off the team.

CINCINNATI - When President Bush came to Cincinnati on Monday to throw out the Reds Opening Day first pitch, he offered a few kernels of wisdom to Cincinnati's team, specifically on his "strategery in the expectations game".

"You get them to misunderestimate you," Bush told Reds players in his pre-game pep talk, "When I debated John Kerry in 2004, everyone's expectations was so low, nobody thought I'd win a debate.  All I had to do was complete a few sentences here and there.. heh-heh-heh."

Bush advised Reds players to make a laughingstock of themselves in early games, so that opponents would let down their guard in the big games later on.

"Don't worry about winning these piddly little games that don't matter," said Bush, "Go ahead and let the other team score 15-16 runs if you want.   Remember, it's the first impression that counts most.  Later on in the season, when all your opponents are overconfident, just wait for them to screw up and call your teammate's daughter a lesbian. That's when you go in for the kill."

AVONDALE - Xavier assistant basketball coach Kenya Hunter was arrested Saturday night in Mt. Adams and charged with a DUI. Fans of both teams celebrated the arrest as a sign that UC will transfer its drunk thug image to Xavier.

"It'll be nice to have a team that's somewhat feared, because one of the players might tape someone to a chair and torture them, or drive into the Ohio river all drunk," said Xavier business major Thaddeus Applesmith. "Maybe we can get out of the A10 into a real conference now."

"We were running out of players and coaches to commit DUIs, so I'm pleased to see Xavier pick up the slack," said UC head coach Andy Kennedy. "If you'll excuse me, I have to go convince a six-foot-four tennis player to please join the basketball team."