OVER-THE-RHINE - According to a report from the Ohio Department of Job and Family Services, the unemployment rate for four Greater Cincinnati counties either fell or remained stable in the month of December.

This is good news for longtime local crack dealer and entrepreneur DeWayne Williams. Williams, who has sold crack in Over-the-Rhine for nearly a decade says that the lower unemployment rates will send yuppies scurrying to buy crack.

This week, the Cincinnati Center City Development Corporation (3CDC) and the Clifton Heights Community Urban Renewal Corporation (CHCURC) announced that the two groups would be merging into one development entity called the Cincinnati Center City Clifton Heights Community Urban Renewal and Development Corporation (CCCCHCURDC).

In related news, CityBeat and CinWeekly newspapers finalized their merger negotiations, revealing the new name of their merged publication: BeatWeekly.

NORWOOD - If you think local news is bad, John Scott thinks it's worse. Scott was so fed up with Channel 12, WKRC's local morning newscast, that he gouged out his eyes with a letter opener and then had his brother poke out his eardrums with an icepick.

Now that the 62-year-old Wal-mart cashier is adjusting to life without sight or sound he says that he has no regrets.

"OF COURSE MY REGISTER IS ALL FUCKED UP AT THE END OF MY SHIFT", screamed Scott, from not being able to modulate his voice. "BUT THE UPSIDE IS, I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK OR HEAR THAT CAMMY DIERKING EVER AGAIN!"

The FDA has delayed approval of Intrinsa, consumer goods giant Procter & Gamble's new hormone patch that works to restore a woman's sex drive.

The FDA claimed that not enough tests had been run. It remains to be seen whether or not P&G will re-submit application for approval, or withdraw the product. Said P&G spokesperson Gwen Gale, "It is not uncommon to have unanswered safety questions at approval. In the meantime, women should just stick to tequila for improving their sex drive. I prefer Jose Cuervo myself."