"Boston, St. Louis, eat that shit!"

This was a common expression in Cincinnati this past month, following three hometown companies announcing major acquisitions. 

The last month has seen Procter & Gamble's $57 billion purchase of Boston-based Gillette, Federated's $11 billion purchase of St. Louis-based May, and Chiquita Brands $855 million purchase of Fresh Express.

Kroger spokesperson Ann MacDonald, after congratulating her corporate brethren, had this to say: "Hello? Hey, we're building the city a parking garage. Can't we get any love? Maybe we'll buy Piggly Wiggly next week. Just to join in on the fun. Are any of those left in the South?"

MacDonald pointed out that Kroger still earns higher revenues than any of the companies involved.

The Ridgeline, Honda's entry into the pickup market, is expected to shake up the industry when it hits local dealerships next month. With it, the Ridgeline brings a new design to the stagnating urinating Calvin decal market.

"This is long overdue," said Jeb Malloy, owner of Auto Decal Designs in Colerain. "We haven't had a new Calvin urinating decal in ages. Sure, there was a flurry of Calvin urinating on Saddam and Bin Laden decals after 9/11 and around the start of Operation: Iraqi Freedom. But those died out rather quickly. Nothing can quite motivate a pickup owner to go out and spend 5 bucks on a car decal like multi-generational brand loyalty."

Following the recent acquisition of HomeTown Communications, the Gannett Co. Inc. announced today it has also acquired The Cincinnati Dealer in a blockbuster mega-dollar deal.

No word yet on how this hostile takeover generous offer may affect the talented, underpaid staff over-compensated hacks at The Dealer, but those monopolistic pricks Gannett has assured The Dealer that all our asses are fired full editorial control will be given to the Gannett CEO Doug McCorkindale's talentless nephew remain with the current staff.

"You get what you pay for."

Good advice to consumers.

Right? Wrong!

We were shocked to find that some Tri-state merchants are making sure that you pay more than you get!

We took a hidden camera into the Colerain Play It Again Sports to do a little shopping.

Right on the heels of the Gillette buy out, P&G shocks the city again.  Today Douglas Kerns, P&G Director of Research announced they were buying out Children’s Hospital.  Kerns said, “PETA has been after us for a while over concerns of animal testing.  With this merger we hope to put to rest all of their fears.

PETA spokesperson Peter Wood expressed gratitude.  “We have been saying for years that animal testing was completely unnecessary.  I am glad that Procter & Gamble has shown that they are a truly compassionate & progressive company."

PLEASANT RIDGE - Eighteen years since the first bottle of Windex was used to begin cleanup at the contaminated Hilton Davis pigments plant in Pleasant Ridge, city official are beginning to talk about development at the 80-acre site.

For nearly 30 years the plant had made pigments and dyes for products ranging from Coke to paint.

City officials are working with Starbucks to open a Starbucks outlet store with adjoining Starbucks satellite stores. In all, the plans call for 23 Starbucks, 17 Wal-mart super stores and 6 Gaps.

Last week's announcement of Procter & Gamble's $57 billion purchase of The Gillette Company has stirred up global reaction. But we went to the man himself, CEO, Chairman, and President of P&G, A.G. Lafley for his reaction.

"Damn, I'm rich." he said. "No really, I'm filthy, stinkin rich now. I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll own the Reds for a little while too.

In the wake of last week's announced elimination of 600 jobs nationwide, Convergys Corp announced today that it will be dropping this ridiculous charade and moving all their offices to India, effective immediately.

CEO James Orr remarked that they had suckered that sweet-ass deal out of the city last year, and that by now they had "milked that cow for all she was worth."

In related news, Councilmember John Cranley was downsized today, as his position was outsourced to India.