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December, 2004
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Business
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By Jorge Barnes | Dealer staff writer
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Wed, Feb 2, 2005
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CLIFTON - Because of its relatively lax entrance requirements, the University of Cincinnati (UC) has been regularly applied to by Tri-state college hopefulls as a "safety school," or a school that students feel very confident that they will get into if they are rejected from their preferred, but more highly-selective school of choice. But according to a recent poll conducted by the Cincinnati Dealer, UC is now too unsafe to be used as a safety school.
"Miami [University] is my dream school," explains Josh Reiner, a senior at Finneytown High School. "I spent 11 hours on one of the optional essays just to push myself over the edge with admissions. But I didn't want to take my chances because I have a 3.1 GPA and a 1080 SAT. So I considered applying to UC. But I didn't want to take my chances because they have the highest on-campus burglary rate in southwestern Ohio. So I applied to NKU [Northern Kentucky University] instead. And I fucking hate Kentucky." |
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By Gerard Oh | Dealer staff writer
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Wed, Jan 26, 2005
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In the wake of last week's announced elimination of 600 jobs nationwide, Convergys Corp announced today that it will be dropping this ridiculous charade and moving all their offices to India, effective immediately.
CEO James Orr remarked that they had suckered that sweet-ass deal out of the city last year, and that by now they had "milked that cow for all she was worth."
In related news, Councilmember John Cranley was downsized today, as his position was outsourced to India. |
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By Blaine Chowder | Dealer staff writer
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Wed, Jan 19, 2005
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OVER-THE-RHINE - According to a report from the Ohio Department of Job and Family Services, the unemployment rate for four Greater Cincinnati counties either fell or remained stable in the month of December.
This is good news for longtime local crack dealer and entrepreneur DeWayne Williams. Williams, who has sold crack in Over-the-Rhine for nearly a decade says that the lower unemployment rates will send yuppies scurrying to buy crack. |
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By Gerard Oh | Dealer staff writer
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Wed, Jan 12, 2005
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This week, the Cincinnati Center City Development Corporation (3CDC) and the Clifton Heights Community Urban Renewal Corporation (CHCURC) announced that the two groups would be merging into one development entity called the Cincinnati Center City Clifton Heights Community Urban Renewal and Development Corporation (CCCCHCURDC).
In related news, CityBeat and CinWeekly newspapers finalized their merger negotiations, revealing the new name of their merged publication: BeatWeekly. |
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By Gerard Oh | Dealer staff writer
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Wed, Jan 5, 2005
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HEBRON, Ky - Bobby Bostwick, a systems administrator in Comair's IT department, faults the "idiots in marketing" for the computer failure Christmas week that resulted in a literal shutdown of the airline and stranding of thousands of passengers. Bobby stated, "Those morons in marketing don't know jack about computers. But they're the ones making promises to all the passengers and executives and shit. I bet not one of them even knows what SCSI means. HAHAHAHA." The computer program crashed when it exceeded its hard limit of schedule and crew changes. Bobby added that he's sure "the whole mess could've been avoided if only we were using Linux." |
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By Blaine Chowder | Dealer staff writer
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Wed, Jan 5, 2005
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NORWOOD - If you think local news is bad, John Scott thinks it's worse. Scott was so fed up with Channel 12, WKRC's local morning newscast, that he gouged out his eyes with a letter opener and then had his brother poke out his eardrums with an icepick.
Now that the 62-year-old Wal-mart cashier is adjusting to life without sight or sound he says that he has no regrets.
"OF COURSE MY REGISTER IS ALL FUCKED UP AT THE END OF MY SHIFT", screamed Scott, from not being able to modulate his voice. "BUT THE UPSIDE IS, I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK OR HEAR THAT CAMMY DIERKING EVER AGAIN!" |
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By Gerard Oh | Dealer staff writer
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Wed, Dec 15, 2004
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 The FDA has delayed approval of Intrinsa, consumer goods giant Procter & Gamble's new hormone patch that works to restore a woman's sex drive.
The FDA claimed that not enough tests had been run. It remains to be seen whether or not P&G will re-submit application for approval, or withdraw the product. Said P&G spokesperson Gwen Gale, "It is not uncommon to have unanswered safety questions at approval. In the meantime, women should just stick to tequila for improving their sex drive. I prefer Jose Cuervo myself."
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