PLEASANT RIDGE - “I’ve been so jumpy lately,” admits Pleasant Ridge resident Angela Bartolo, “and it’s not the Starbucks.”

Psychologists on the Eastside have noted a marked increase in generalized anxiety disorder, which includes an inability to concentrate and a sense of impending doom.

“I have a nice new home in Mason,” commented Mark Bayberry, a partner in the wellness firm New Paths to Sanity. “So I know that I don’t have to worry about this kind of thing happening to me.”

CINCINNATI - The Cincinnati Enquirer/Post announced Monday that it won 22 of the 393 available 2005 Press Club of Cleveland Excellence in Journalism awards. The other 94.4% of the awards were won by Ohio journalism competitors such as Lawn & Landscape and Chagrin Valley Magazine.

"We're excited we did better this year [22 awards; 5.6%] than Harry and the Hendersons did in 1987 [1 Academy Award; 4.5%]," said Enquirer editor/vice president Tom Callinan. "By 2009, we hope to out-do the soundtrack of Fame [2 Academy Awards; 10%]."

"I saw the lady in the Ford Windstar get out of her mini-van, when the Mercedes woman jumped her," explained Melvin LaRue, an employee of the new store. "I guess Mrs. Mercedes thought that Mrs. Ford had taken her spot. She just leaped outta that fancy car and started screamin' her head off."

CINCINNATI - Succumbing to public pressure, CiN Weekly staff writer Gina Daugherty resigned from her position today. She left CiN Weekly offices amidst a flurry of lawyers, security personnel, and media.

The move is a culmination of a series of events that began innocuously enough in the Quick Bites section of the June 1st issue of CiN. That week, Daugherty reviewed the newest area location of Romano's Macaroni Grill claiming:

"Romano's Macaroni Grill will open a third Greater Cincinnati location on June 6, and already we can taste the sun-dried tomatoes on our pasta Milano.  The new location will open at the Deerfield Towne Center in Deerfield Township... Romano's Macaroni Grill is already open in Kenwood and Springdale."

The next day, throngs of protesters from Florence, KY, where there is indeed already the third Greater Cincinnati Romano's Macaroni Grill location, mobbed CiN Weekly offices calling for Daugherty's termination. A few held pickets reading "CIN DON'T CARE ABOUT KY, KY DON'T CARE ABOUT CIN!"

KENWOOD - Nat Commisar recently announced that he plans to move the Maisonette from Sixth Street to Montgomery Road in Kenwood.

In an article in Sunday's Enquirer, Michael Commisar, Nat's father, who with his brother Lee built the structure that houses the Maisonette and La Normandie, expressed confidence that a "real pro" would "know what things are worth downtown." The elder Commisar spoke contemptuously of those who would "lowball" him or even have the temerity to "negotiate" with him in buying the downtown location after it is vacated sometime next year.

Though the loss of the venerable five-star restaurant was a crushing blow to the heart of the city, the move north was considered necessary to keep the older clientele who frequent the venerable five-star restaurant. No longer will they need to travel to riot-ridden downtown to grab a fancy bite to eat.

The Maisonette's new site will be contained within a replica of Hyde Park, a far cry from the noise and mess of its current urban location. Commisar and his development team also hope to make the new restaurant attractive to suburban families unwilling to make the dangerous trip southward on Interstate 71.

COLUMBUS - A source close to Governor Bob Taft has leaked a copy of an April memo to Dealer staff writer Patricia Cake.  The contents of this memo point to a possible increase in the cost of the Skyline and Gold Star chili cuisine beloved by the outsize citizenry of the Queen City.  This is an exclusive to the Dealer, where no stone is left unturned in the search for Truth, Justice, and a juicy book contract.

OAKLEY - Khaki pants. Ball caps. Fake tans. Ringing cell phones. Pointless conversations.

CINCINNATI - Budget cuts at the Cincinnati Public Library will force 48 positions to be eliminated by June 30. Executive Director Kimber Fender says that the cuts are necessary but that employees whose jobs are being eliminated shouldn’t worry.

"We are opening a branch in India. We feel this will help fill the needs of Cincinnati residents who travel to India and do not have access to a library", said Fender. "Any of the 48 that lose their jobs can apply for the positions in India."

The state plans to cut funding to the library next year thus prompting the library board to freak out and fire as many as possible, to save themselves.

CINCINNATI - Like fine wine, information increases in value as it ages.  That's the theory behind the online archives of the Cincinnati Enquirer, where articles over seven days old cost $2.95 to access.  Is reading a single article you missed last week worth six times the newstand price of a complete paper?  You bet!

For the thrifty among us, bulk discounts are available.  A 1,000-article pack costs only $1995, and it lasts for an entire year!  Then any unused, legitimately paid-for article licenses drift into the sweet, sweet ether.