WEST CHESTER TWP. - New U.S. Census estimates indicate that minority population growth rates are booming in suburban Butler and Warren counties. For example, Lakota East High School now boasts at least two Asian students.

Lifelong county resident Pat South appreciates the change, citing all the new exotic restaurants. "I love Mexican food now. The restaurants are so ethnic. My favorite is Don Pablo's."

In related news, while the minority population of the beltway suburbs is increasing, exurban areas further out are seeing an almost identical increase in white homeownership. When asked why he moved his family recently further from the city, new Middletown resident Ken Adams said, "Why did I move out of West Chester? Um, I don't like those... um, I mean... better schools... up here. Yeah, that's it."

Once a proud refuge for outlaws on the run, Cincinnati is fighting to maintain its’ fugitive business.

Jennifer Hyatte and her husband George killed a guard in a Tennessee courtroom and headed north on I-75. Rather than hole up in the Queen city, however, the two paid a cabbie hundreds of dollars to drive them to an America’s Best Value Inn in Columbus.

“Cincinnati is just too scary,” Hyatte later said, “I didn’t want my husband shot for no reason just because he’s black.”

Cincinnati should be proud.  We are getting more and more national press about our cornhole.  So much so that the Cincinnati Enquirer just can’t stop tooting our own horn.  It was recently featured on the Today Show with Matt & Katie Couric.

Katie was excited as ever to join in.  But it turns out that Katie is a ringer, so to speak.  She has been professionally cornholing seen here in one of her public performances on March of 2004.  It really saddens us here at the Dealer to expose Katie.  But the truth must come out.

MT. ADAMS – The smell of success fills the air as yet another set of condos goes up in this pricey enclave. Large trucks block the streets; workers, both documented and undocumented, park on the sidewalks, tearing up parking tickets as fast as they can be written. A sheriff’s deputy is cold-cocked by the developer as he puts on his jacket to leave a meeting of local residents expressing their concerns over a complete lack of consideration for their welfare during construction. The deputy files a lawsuit, and the case is postponed, time and time again.

Just who is this mighty man, builder of big buildings, maker of mondo money, and slayer of all civilized rules of behavior?

DOWNTOWN - In a special investigation, shocking allegations leveled at McFadden's Restaurant & Saloon earlier this week were found to be true: McFadden's has crappy drinks.

Alcohol levels in basic mixed drinks were found to be nearly zero, as confirmed by several bar patrons.

"Yeah, this drink sucks," said Lisa Wheeler, sucking down her vodka and coke. "This vodka and coke may as well be a coke and ice. If I had known a small glass of coke and ice would cost $4, I would have just gone to Hyde Park Kroger's to pick up guys."

MAINSTRASSE - Cosmo's Grille Pub owner Gerald Blaschke wants to open two new businesses in MainStrasse: a small brewery and an Italian restaurant. Seperately, the city is considering occasional hours of closure for MainStrasse streets to provide "sort of a European-style outdoor dining concept."

The Cincinnati Enquirer reported Tuesday that "neighbors" and "nearby residents" are opposed to and protesting these developments. Actually reading the article, however, reveals a single complain-y person.

"Short Pershing Avenue resident Sandy Arnold ... opposes more bars," the article states. Over one-fifth of the 600-ish-word article is composed of direct quotes from Ms. Arnold.

OHIO - E-Check, the air-pollution-reduction program which requires automobiles to regularly pass emissions tests, will cease existence in southwest Ohio at the end of 2005. The program will remain in effect only in seven counties in northeast Ohio, where it cannot be revoked due to federal mandate.

To ensure the phasing-out of air pollution controls remains crowd-pleasing, instead of drivers paying to test their vehicles next year, the state will divert roughly $20 million of tobacco settlement money to pay for E-Check's northeast operation.

PLEASANT RIDGE - “I’ve been so jumpy lately,” admits Pleasant Ridge resident Angela Bartolo, “and it’s not the Starbucks.”

Psychologists on the Eastside have noted a marked increase in generalized anxiety disorder, which includes an inability to concentrate and a sense of impending doom.

“I have a nice new home in Mason,” commented Mark Bayberry, a partner in the wellness firm New Paths to Sanity. “So I know that I don’t have to worry about this kind of thing happening to me.”

CINCINNATI - The Cincinnati Enquirer/Post announced Monday that it won 22 of the 393 available 2005 Press Club of Cleveland Excellence in Journalism awards. The other 94.4% of the awards were won by Ohio journalism competitors such as Lawn & Landscape and Chagrin Valley Magazine.

"We're excited we did better this year [22 awards; 5.6%] than Harry and the Hendersons did in 1987 [1 Academy Award; 4.5%]," said Enquirer editor/vice president Tom Callinan. "By 2009, we hope to out-do the soundtrack of Fame [2 Academy Awards; 10%]."

"I saw the lady in the Ford Windstar get out of her mini-van, when the Mercedes woman jumped her," explained Melvin LaRue, an employee of the new store. "I guess Mrs. Mercedes thought that Mrs. Ford had taken her spot. She just leaped outta that fancy car and started screamin' her head off."