Tuesday night, Cincinnati smokers spoke with a resounding voice.  Across the board they voted for the ABA ticket (Anybody But Alicia).  Pepper, Mallory, Winburn, Jeffre, Grisco, Noble - it did not matter who, as long as it wasn’t Alicia Reece.

During her current council term, Alicia has aggressively campaigned to sign into city law a smoking ban in restaurants, bars, sidewalks & parks.  What Alicia didn’t count on was the 25% of the city population this really pissed off.

NORTHSIDE - Sales of pop band Katrina and the Waves have skyrocketed this week, said Shake-It Records owner Darren Blase. The band issued a statement today denying any connection to Hurricane Katrina. Concurrently, the band also issued a statement saying “but, yes, we’re still around.”

Earlier in the week, President Bush caused a scandal when he apparently confused the hurricane with the once popular band.

When asked about Katrina, Bush pulled a cassette out of his pocket that his father had bought him in 1985.

“Katrina had a huge impact on me,” Bush said. “And don't it feel good, hey, all right now,” he added.

"Hugs are good, but kisses are better," added Zimpher with a wink.

WEST CHESTER TWP. - New U.S. Census estimates indicate that minority population growth rates are booming in suburban Butler and Warren counties. For example, Lakota East High School now boasts at least two Asian students.

Lifelong county resident Pat South appreciates the change, citing all the new exotic restaurants. "I love Mexican food now. The restaurants are so ethnic. My favorite is Don Pablo's."

In related news, while the minority population of the beltway suburbs is increasing, exurban areas further out are seeing an almost identical increase in white homeownership. When asked why he moved his family recently further from the city, new Middletown resident Ken Adams said, "Why did I move out of West Chester? Um, I don't like those... um, I mean... better schools... up here. Yeah, that's it."

Once a proud refuge for outlaws on the run, Cincinnati is fighting to maintain its’ fugitive business.

Jennifer Hyatte and her husband George killed a guard in a Tennessee courtroom and headed north on I-75. Rather than hole up in the Queen city, however, the two paid a cabbie hundreds of dollars to drive them to an America’s Best Value Inn in Columbus.

“Cincinnati is just too scary,” Hyatte later said, “I didn’t want my husband shot for no reason just because he’s black.”

Cincinnati should be proud.  We are getting more and more national press about our cornhole.  So much so that the Cincinnati Enquirer just can’t stop tooting our own horn.  It was recently featured on the Today Show with Matt & Katie Couric.

Katie was excited as ever to join in.  But it turns out that Katie is a ringer, so to speak.  She has been professionally cornholing seen here in one of her public performances on March of 2004.  It really saddens us here at the Dealer to expose Katie.  But the truth must come out.

MT. ADAMS – The smell of success fills the air as yet another set of condos goes up in this pricey enclave. Large trucks block the streets; workers, both documented and undocumented, park on the sidewalks, tearing up parking tickets as fast as they can be written. A sheriff’s deputy is cold-cocked by the developer as he puts on his jacket to leave a meeting of local residents expressing their concerns over a complete lack of consideration for their welfare during construction. The deputy files a lawsuit, and the case is postponed, time and time again.

Just who is this mighty man, builder of big buildings, maker of mondo money, and slayer of all civilized rules of behavior?

DOWNTOWN - In a special investigation, shocking allegations leveled at McFadden's Restaurant & Saloon earlier this week were found to be true: McFadden's has crappy drinks.

Alcohol levels in basic mixed drinks were found to be nearly zero, as confirmed by several bar patrons.

"Yeah, this drink sucks," said Lisa Wheeler, sucking down her vodka and coke. "This vodka and coke may as well be a coke and ice. If I had known a small glass of coke and ice would cost $4, I would have just gone to Hyde Park Kroger's to pick up guys."

MAINSTRASSE - Cosmo's Grille Pub owner Gerald Blaschke wants to open two new businesses in MainStrasse: a small brewery and an Italian restaurant. Seperately, the city is considering occasional hours of closure for MainStrasse streets to provide "sort of a European-style outdoor dining concept."

The Cincinnati Enquirer reported Tuesday that "neighbors" and "nearby residents" are opposed to and protesting these developments. Actually reading the article, however, reveals a single complain-y person.

"Short Pershing Avenue resident Sandy Arnold ... opposes more bars," the article states. Over one-fifth of the 600-ish-word article is composed of direct quotes from Ms. Arnold.

OHIO - E-Check, the air-pollution-reduction program which requires automobiles to regularly pass emissions tests, will cease existence in southwest Ohio at the end of 2005. The program will remain in effect only in seven counties in northeast Ohio, where it cannot be revoked due to federal mandate.

To ensure the phasing-out of air pollution controls remains crowd-pleasing, instead of drivers paying to test their vehicles next year, the state will divert roughly $20 million of tobacco settlement money to pay for E-Check's northeast operation.