DOWNTOWN - Chiquita peeled off a press release last Sundae announcing its intention to move its headquarters to Atlanta or Miami. Finding only low-hanging fruit in Cincinnati, the move bunches headquarters closer to the stem of its operations in Latin America.

Retraction

Last week we ran the future obituary of former mayoral loser Mark Mallory.  Regretfully, my reporting that Mallory was a member of NAMBLA was untrue.  I assumed he was a member and I was wrong.

NAMBLA stated that they received his application, but his check for the $35 registration fee, bounced. 

They would like you to resend the check when you have the sufficient funds for membership.

HEBRON - Despite the fact that more than 93 percent of the traffic at Northern Kentucky/Cincinnati International Airport is controlled by Delta, and despite the fact that Delta plans on cutting 26 percent of its flights and 1000 jobs at CVG by the end of the year to recoup some its $10 billion bankruptcy debts, the airport still somehow managed to build a new runway.

Airport spokesman Gene DuBois said of the new north-south runway, "Now the airplanes can land and take off uppy-downy as well as lefty-righty. This will make the airport more competitive at landing new carriers."

DOWNTOWN - On the heels of Nat Comisar running a Cincinnati institution into the ground, an anonymous owner has abruptly bought all of the Maisonette's assets, including the name.

A shadowy spokesman from the buyer, who would only be identified as 'Ronald' said, "We want to capitalize on the Maisonette brand, but make the atmosphere more casual. We've changed the logo slightly, and we're planning to add in the near future a feature that I like to call Le Playland in front of the restaurant."

RANDOM SUBURB - In an effort to stand out from all the other Greater Cincinnati suburbs, Blue Ash has hired a marketing consultant for $63,000 to help "brand" the city. Working with city officials, the consultant has created the following candidate slogans for the campaign.

Editor's Note: Actual statements from the article.

Blue Ash: Like Many Suburbs Around Cincinnati

Blue Ash: Unlike Many of Its Neighbors

Blue Ash: Includes Economic, Lifestyle, and Residential Elements

Blue Ash: 35 Percent Industrial/Commercial

Blue Ash: Boasts a Sprawling, Modern Recreation Center

Blue Ash: The Time Is Right to Solidify a Vision

Blue Ash: Trying to Continue or Rejuvenate Its Economic Development

Inside

County Streamlines Bureaucracy By Forming Two Committees
Downtown Workers Living In Hole

County Streamlines Bureaucracy By Forming Two Committees

Fearing bureaucracy from the city Planning Commission, Hamilton County narrowly avoided a red tape mess when last week they formed two committees to oversee the Banks project: a design committee, and a zoning committee.

"These two committees will see to it that work progresses with minimal interruption, " explained Commissioner Phil Heimlich. "Any design or zoning decision will flow smoothly through either of these groups. Or both. Or neither. I'm not sure. Maybe we need a committee to assign decisions..."

Tuesday night, Cincinnati smokers spoke with a resounding voice.  Across the board they voted for the ABA ticket (Anybody But Alicia).  Pepper, Mallory, Winburn, Jeffre, Grisco, Noble - it did not matter who, as long as it wasn’t Alicia Reece.

During her current council term, Alicia has aggressively campaigned to sign into city law a smoking ban in restaurants, bars, sidewalks & parks.  What Alicia didn’t count on was the 25% of the city population this really pissed off.

NORTHSIDE - Sales of pop band Katrina and the Waves have skyrocketed this week, said Shake-It Records owner Darren Blase. The band issued a statement today denying any connection to Hurricane Katrina. Concurrently, the band also issued a statement saying “but, yes, we’re still around.”

Earlier in the week, President Bush caused a scandal when he apparently confused the hurricane with the once popular band.

When asked about Katrina, Bush pulled a cassette out of his pocket that his father had bought him in 1985.

“Katrina had a huge impact on me,” Bush said. “And don't it feel good, hey, all right now,” he added.

"Hugs are good, but kisses are better," added Zimpher with a wink.