CINCINNATI - Convergys Corporation delivered this week on their promise to Cincinnati's city council to help create new jobs (in India). The company announced a $1.1 billion dollar deal with DuPont Corporation that would provide (outsource) human resource services around the world (around the world).

The deal allows DuPont to focus on its core agricultural, chemical, and health care business units (and pawn off its costly human resources department).

CRESTVIEW HILLS - Another fake urban shopping center will open soon in Northern Kentucky. The Crestview Hills Town Center is the latest in so-called "lifestyle centers" to open in the area.

Developer VP Mark Fallon lauded the image of old downtown without the safety concerns or parking issues, allowing customers to "zip in and out."

"If it's one thing Americans need more of, it's the ability to get in somewhere, spend money, and get out as fast as possible. What kind of idiot would want to go to a real downtown, pay $1 to park underground and still have to walk a few blocks? That's craziness."

So while real downtowns decay and crumble, obnoxiously named eateries like The Pub thrive in giant model kit villages.

CINCINNATI - The following quotes were taken verbatim from a local news broadcast on Channel 5 (October 17, 5:00 - 6:00 p.m.).

"Have you ever noticed the way a hurricane spins? Tonight, I'm taking action."

"Before you get behind the wheel of your car, you might not realize it, but--it's deer season!"

DOWNTOWN - Chiquita peeled off a press release last Sundae announcing its intention to move its headquarters to Atlanta or Miami. Finding only low-hanging fruit in Cincinnati, the move bunches headquarters closer to the stem of its operations in Latin America.

Retraction

Last week we ran the future obituary of former mayoral loser Mark Mallory.  Regretfully, my reporting that Mallory was a member of NAMBLA was untrue.  I assumed he was a member and I was wrong.

NAMBLA stated that they received his application, but his check for the $35 registration fee, bounced. 

They would like you to resend the check when you have the sufficient funds for membership.

HEBRON - Despite the fact that more than 93 percent of the traffic at Northern Kentucky/Cincinnati International Airport is controlled by Delta, and despite the fact that Delta plans on cutting 26 percent of its flights and 1000 jobs at CVG by the end of the year to recoup some its $10 billion bankruptcy debts, the airport still somehow managed to build a new runway.

Airport spokesman Gene DuBois said of the new north-south runway, "Now the airplanes can land and take off uppy-downy as well as lefty-righty. This will make the airport more competitive at landing new carriers."

DOWNTOWN - On the heels of Nat Comisar running a Cincinnati institution into the ground, an anonymous owner has abruptly bought all of the Maisonette's assets, including the name.

A shadowy spokesman from the buyer, who would only be identified as 'Ronald' said, "We want to capitalize on the Maisonette brand, but make the atmosphere more casual. We've changed the logo slightly, and we're planning to add in the near future a feature that I like to call Le Playland in front of the restaurant."

RANDOM SUBURB - In an effort to stand out from all the other Greater Cincinnati suburbs, Blue Ash has hired a marketing consultant for $63,000 to help "brand" the city. Working with city officials, the consultant has created the following candidate slogans for the campaign.

Editor's Note: Actual statements from the article.

Blue Ash: Like Many Suburbs Around Cincinnati

Blue Ash: Unlike Many of Its Neighbors

Blue Ash: Includes Economic, Lifestyle, and Residential Elements

Blue Ash: 35 Percent Industrial/Commercial

Blue Ash: Boasts a Sprawling, Modern Recreation Center

Blue Ash: The Time Is Right to Solidify a Vision

Blue Ash: Trying to Continue or Rejuvenate Its Economic Development

Inside

County Streamlines Bureaucracy By Forming Two Committees
Downtown Workers Living In Hole

County Streamlines Bureaucracy By Forming Two Committees

Fearing bureaucracy from the city Planning Commission, Hamilton County narrowly avoided a red tape mess when last week they formed two committees to oversee the Banks project: a design committee, and a zoning committee.

"These two committees will see to it that work progresses with minimal interruption, " explained Commissioner Phil Heimlich. "Any design or zoning decision will flow smoothly through either of these groups. Or both. Or neither. I'm not sure. Maybe we need a committee to assign decisions..."