SAN MAR GALE? - Amid rolling hills and valleys in rural Warren County, William Hines and Daniel Griffin want to open a can of instant city mix.

Dubbed San Mar Gale, the planned community calls for over 2,000 homes and 400 town homes to be developed out of nothing. 

Supporters call the planned community an improvement over hodge-podge development. Opponents, calling the plan "Not-so-Pleasantville", fear environmental impact on forests and rivers.

In answer to critics, "We know what we're doing. After all, we've  hired 40 of the best golf course designers in the country to plan our country club, er, San Mar Gale," said Hines, of Indian Hill.

"I don't want to ruffle any feathers up there. They're going to be our neighbors for 30 years, whether they like it or not."

MADEIRA - Jennifer and Dan Giroux just noticed this year that Christmas has become commercialized.  The owners of The Catholic Shop are selling bracelets that read "Just Say Merry Christmas", in protest.

Many years ago, the commercialization of the holiday season (that includes Thanksgiving, Yuletide, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and New Year's) led retailers to save time and money by saying "Happy Holidays" rather than  "Happy Thanksgiving, Yuletide, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and New Year".

The Girouxs are offended that this commercialization has led to the removal of the word "Christmas" from some commercials, so they are running commercials for their Christmas bracelets- Christmas commercials for their Christmas bracelets.

RABBIT HASH, Ky - Shocking photos sent in to the Dealer from an anonymous source have stunned the internet journal's newsroom. Blaine Chowder, longtime correspondent with a knack for pissing off nuns and pawnbrokers, has succumbed to the perverse forces arrayed against him.

"The dumb shit! Why did he do it, why?" sobs a devastated Burt Safer. "He drew my name in the office gift exchange, and was going to score me a new X-Box!  Why did he have to die at such a joyous time of year?"

A dour Fred Pastry echoes his colleagues' sentiments. "Why? Why didn't he take me along? I could have saved him!" A tear rolls gently down Fred's face, revealing a depth of sentiment rarely shown by the hard-bitten satirist.

I knew Blaine to have his weaknesses; every great man does. Still, the sordid ending to my dear friend's life sends shivers down my spine. I ask Fred to help me understand.

RIVERFRONT - While Covington begins construction on its ground-breaking residential tower, The Ascent at Roebling, the announced withdrawal of private developers Corporex and Vandercar Holdings has set back Cincinnati riverfront project, The Banks, another six months.

Late yesterday, spokespersons for the city council, the city planning department, Hamilton County commissioners, the Port Authority, 3CDC, and the Community Improvement Corp. announced a scaled-back development plan they could all agree on and that is achievable in days.  The Dealer has obtained a mock-up of this plan.

Inside

The City Is Gonna Do WHAT Again?
Norwood Buys Ambulance Off eBay

The City Is Gonna Do WHAT Again?

Cincinnati's (interim) city manager has proposed a $500,000 tax incentive package to U.S. Bank to create 125 new jobs.  To maintain this pattern of paying handouts to people for something they should be doing anyway, experts predict the city will soon start giving city payroll tax breaks to employees who show up to work.

Norwood Buys Ambulance Off eBay

On the heels of last week's sweet walkie talkie find on eBay, Norwood again seeks to fill a public safety need by bidding on a used ambulance on the popular auction site.

Said Norwood mayor Tom Williams, "I don't understand. We keep bulldozing houses, but we still need all this safety equipment. Well, we were so pleased with the police radios, we're going for this ambulance on the interweb. If this goes well, expect a lot more eBay merchandies around the city!"

NORWOOD - When Carl Lindner heard that the city of Norwood lacked the funds to purchase new police radios, he felt it was time the private sector raised the stakes.

After researching the needs of officers on the street, Lindner used his vast web of contacts to identify several models that met Norwood requirements.

EBay seller auntie_q offered a sweet G.I. Joe model featuring a telescopic antenna and "push and hold" talk button.

For years, the International House of Pancakes kept its mouth-watering, soft, supple pancakes smothered with butter, jelly, and syrup from Cincinnatians, but next month they will have opened their sixth area IHOP store.

"Research indicated that Cincinnati is the perfect test market for the IHOP brand," said CEO Julia Stewart. "Cincinnatians are pigs, er, guinea pigs of sorts.  For example, Cincinnati has taught us to build larger kitchens and refrigeration for higher volume.  Probably because you people would riot if we ran out of food.  I mean, damn, can midwesterners pork out.  We could close every other IHOP in the country and reap huge windfall profits on the gluttonous, lard-market Cincinnati stores alone!! ...Ahem, I mean market research has shown that indicators project well to the country as a whole. That's, um, why we like the area, yeah."

CINCINNATI - Convergys Corporation delivered this week on their promise to Cincinnati's city council to help create new jobs (in India). The company announced a $1.1 billion dollar deal with DuPont Corporation that would provide (outsource) human resource services around the world (around the world).

The deal allows DuPont to focus on its core agricultural, chemical, and health care business units (and pawn off its costly human resources department).

CRESTVIEW HILLS - Another fake urban shopping center will open soon in Northern Kentucky. The Crestview Hills Town Center is the latest in so-called "lifestyle centers" to open in the area.

Developer VP Mark Fallon lauded the image of old downtown without the safety concerns or parking issues, allowing customers to "zip in and out."

"If it's one thing Americans need more of, it's the ability to get in somewhere, spend money, and get out as fast as possible. What kind of idiot would want to go to a real downtown, pay $1 to park underground and still have to walk a few blocks? That's craziness."

So while real downtowns decay and crumble, obnoxiously named eateries like The Pub thrive in giant model kit villages.

CINCINNATI - The following quotes were taken verbatim from a local news broadcast on Channel 5 (October 17, 5:00 - 6:00 p.m.).

"Have you ever noticed the way a hurricane spins? Tonight, I'm taking action."

"Before you get behind the wheel of your car, you might not realize it, but--it's deer season!"