CINCINNATI -   With its poor showing in 2008, this week Cincinnati-based Fifth Third Bank tried to squash rumors of being bought out,  further raising speculations as to the potential buyer. 

Local blogger Dean of Cincinnati has tipped financial market watchers as to the identity of 5/3's new buyer. According to the Dean, one only needs to look at 5/3's logo through the lens of a kaleidoscope to reveal the logo of its new buyer: financial giant Wachovia. 

A quick phone call to Wachovia's new CEO Bob Steele confirmed the Dean's suspicions. 

"That's weird," said Steele, "I actually had a vision of 5/3's logo while staring at the Wachovia logo.  This was after finishing my third fifth of bourbon last night."  

"The two logos are obviously a match made in heaven," added Steele, "Plus they're name is even goofier than ours.. I think we'll buy them.

Other than the blue & green logos, goofy names, and poor 2008 showings, neither Wachovia CEO Bob Steele nor the Dean of Cincinnati could provide any further reason for the banks' compatibility.

Rather than change the name of Fifth Third to Wachovia, Steele says they will most likely combine the names of the two banks, in the Fifth Third tradition, giving the new bank the name of Fifth Third Wachoviath.  

Glimpses at the logos of PNC Bank, Provident Bank, and Key Bank through a kaleidoscope were inconclusive. 

Watch for a sign like this in front of   Burt Safer's house on Shady Grove Lane

COLUMBUS - The Ohio legislature voted today to do away with Ohio's antiquated payday loan industry, replacing it with obscure webzine writer and loan shark, Burt Safer of Cincinnati.

Legislators agreed that the payday loan industry's average APR of 391% was much too high, and that Mr. Safer's APR of only 365% was much more reasonable.  

For example, a debtor who takes out a $100 loan, and repays it over a 40 year period, could now save over $1000 using Safer's plan.  The savings from Safer's low DPR (Daily Percentage Rate) of only 1% per day really do add up.

Leaders of the Ohio House also agreed with Mr. Safer that the average 2-week term of a payday loan in Ohio is much too short.  Safer insisted that debtors could potentially underestimate the ramifications of high interest rate loans if the loans are restricted to a two-week time frame.

Under Mr. Safer's more transparent plan, loans would have a minimum term of three months,  assuming no helpful pre-payment penalties are incurred.  There would also be a low $5 dollar processing fee for every $50 that Mr. Safer has to pocket.   But that's not all -   Included in Mr. Safer's generous offer is a $20 wage garnishing surcharge.

"And with every loan, I am offering a free scratch-off lottery ticket," Safer told the Ohio Senate today.  Several State Senators immediately took out loans with Mr. Safer after hearing about the huge potential for savings.

A Skybus customer rebooks her travel arrangements

COLUMBUS - Whether by plane, train, or automobile, Skybus passengers are attempting to rebook their $10 flights with the competition.

Since Skybus has gone bankrupt, the airline is not required to rebook passenger flights with competitors. Not even a ticket with priority seating will help put a Skybus passenger in 1st class on a competing airline.

"I bought this expensive airplane ticket to Dallas on the Skybus for $10," said Jennifer Parks of Gahanna,  "And now I'm finding out that every airline charges a heck of a lot more.  Even Greyhound and Amtrak are charging more."

"Seems to me, they are just taking advantage of us because they know Skybus went bankrupt," Parks added.

Skybus executives were too busy revisiting an old Entrepreneurial Basics 101 textbook to answer reporters' questions. 

As local bars look for ways to stave off the loss of business following the passage of Issue 5, which bans smoking in public places, Ex-Smokulator Inc. is finding its product in high demand.  The Ex-Smokulator device allows persons in an establishment to smoke tobacco outside of the establishment through a complicated and scientifically-designed arrangement of tubes and ball-valves.

 “We did fifteen installations this week alone,” said Jeter Dixon, an installation technician for the Durham, NC company.  “Our product is very popular with long-term smokers who are used to having a smoke down at their local watering hole.  And it’s no more inconvenient than breathing through an oxygen mask on an airplane or at the hospital.”

Asked about the legality of the device in light of Issue 5, Dwight Reynolds, CEO of Ex-Smokulator Inc. pointed out that no smoke issues into the atmosphere of the bar itself.

“Thanks to our patented smoke-routing technology,” said Reynolds, speaking by telephone from his North Carolina estate, “the smoker can enjoy all of the benefits of smoking while indoors, all safely within the law.”

Local smokers, testing the device, admitted that while it wasn't quite the same, they could see getting used to it. 

"It's costly, yes," said local bar owner Mick Elliot, "But if it'll keep me in business, I'm happy to spend the money." 

N. KENTUCKY - The Creation Museum, brainchild of Reverend Ken Ham (with help from God), is $2 milion over its initially projected budget.

We caught up with a worried looking God outside his home in Cheviot.

"I should have planned better," said God. "The Dragon Hall Bookstore alone cost over $500,000." 

Other items sending the Museum over budget included the Chaos Cafe, with 5 deep fat fryers and a slurpee machine, and the hyper-realistic dragon heads, designed to scare the incarnate devil out of children.

God is hopeful that the advent of hundreds of thousands of visitors will offset these additional costs. The museum, about 30 miles from Cincinnati, may prove to be a popular destination for many who are convinced that man, dinosaurs, and twinkling pixies were all carried to safety aboard a 200-foot ark.  

"Americans just aren't gullible enough to believe that they came from a fish," said John Morris, President of the Institute for Creation Research.  

God and the Reverend Ham just hope that Cincinnatians are gullible enough to believe they came from a hypothetical supreme being made entirely out of marshmallow.  

CINCINNATINGTON  - Local entrepreneur Nick Spencer has announced the folding of his Over-The-Rhine nightclub, alchemize, and with that, Spencer is using the occasion to unveil his new nightclub, club Gold.  The new venture will be even more groundbreaking and successful, says Spencer, especially due to the large capital "G" letter he plans to invest his savings in.

 "You know, I always regretted cutting costs with the lower-case 'a' in alchemize, and I think the bar suffered as a result," Spencer told reporters, "After the lower-cased lava closed, and business slowed down at alchemize, I saw the writing on the wall," adding "Or maybe that was graffiti. Regardless, I realized that no lower case letter in the alphabet has the pull of, say, a capital G."

The golden theme of "alchemize", which Nick says was originally also a sly nod to personal hero Rumpelstiltskin, has now come to full fruition with the new "Gold" club.  Spencer, a Renaissance festival devotee, often excitedly explains the ancient art of alchemy, (the art of "alchemizing" common household objects like baking soda into gold).  "club Gold," says Spencer, "was the natural result". 

Spencer's devotion to Renaissance-style themes is so single-minded, that it is no mistake he named last month's music festival after the tragic Renaissance character, Desdemona. 

club Gold will also feature a Renaissance-style theme.  The dress code will be capes and robes, with shield and sword accessories.  Spencer said the men must wear robes and tights, and leave the sneakers, jeans, and ball caps at home.

 Spencer also used the occasion to express his enthusiasm for Covington officials.  Answering critics who claimed he was abandoning Cincinnati, Nick Spencer wrote in a blog to his readers, 

"I don't think some of you 'C' the big picture. The number of votes I got in the city council election in Cincinnati would elect me in Covington.  I think we all agree that alchemize was something special but this club Gold with a capital 'G' is going to be huge."

Spencer denied that he was trying to enter the cities of Cincinnati and Covington into a bidding war, although he did repeat that he would need all the assistance he could get to help pay for that big shiny golden 'G' on the sign outside. 

COLUMBUS - With oil prices nearing record highs, the state of Ohio recently introduced a new law to combat theft at the pump.

New stickers announced the law on pumps across the state. Now when you suck gas from one of the pumps, the state of Ohio will perform coitus on a state trooper.  

Reaction to the gas theft law was mixed.

"I'm not sure how the state having sex with troopers is going to solve anything ," said Heather Thomas of Ft. Wright.

Others had a different reaction.

"Let the punishment fit the crime," John Thacker of Symmes Township said. He then added that it seemed only fair as "troopers have been forcing the public to perform fellatio for years."

CINCINNATI - Universal Pictures spokesman James Task announced today the possible delay of the production company's next Cincinnati-located film. All previously announced casting sessions and crew hirings have been cancelled. 

The film is the next installment in Universal's The Mummy series, again starring Brendan Fraser. The working title is The Mummy Embarasses Its Home City on a National Stage.

Task explained, "Due to the limited box-office earnings of The Mummy Returns and The Scorpion King, Universal is approaching this project with a limited budget. To keep makeup and costuming costs low, we can't move forward until we know for sure a certain actor will be available to play the gnarled mummy villian. We were surprised yesterday to find that the end of her current role was not made final."

Task continued, "We expect her to become available this November, barring voteing 'irregularities' in Clermont County. We appreciate the patience of Cincinnatians as we get this project rolling. We have no intention to 'cut and run' from this movie." 

CINCINNATI - After 78 years in Cincinnati, Kahn's announced today that it will pull its meat-packing plant out of the Queen City.

Top Dog, a spokeman for Kahn's talked with employees on Friday when they were notified that there would no longer be sausages to stuff.

"Don't be sad," Top Dog said, "the spirit of meatpacking will always linger in the Queen City."

Kahn's made sure to emphasize that the closing of the plant was not related to the performance of the meatpacking staff.

"Our employees have packed this plant with enthusiasm and quality meat for generations," said Top Dog.

Company employee Lance Johnson agreed that meatpacking often ran in the family.

"Around here," Johnson said, "if your daddy was a meatman, more likely than not you'd become one too."

One employee noted that Top Dog's ears appeared to hang a little lower today and it was rumored that his mask later had to be dry-cleaned free of tears.  

CINCINNATI - Chalk up another one for the man as he has managed to parlay energy into a fat profit for Cinergy and partner, The Duke Energy Company. Last years $490 million dollar profit sent corporate CEO’s and their bitches into a euphoric tizzy when the final tally was posted.

James E. Rogers, chairman and CEO, said that he is ecstatic about increase in profits and expects even a bigger year next year. Company shares spiked from $2.18 to $2.46.

"I am sure that next year will be even more profitable. I plan on building a modest 73 million dollar, 27 million square foot mansion in Clifton. Of course, only after I use eminent domain to evict Clifton residents will I build my new home. I assure you that I will do everything by the book when I put those poor bastards out on the streets."